I did a much better parenting job last night. This time I was aware ahead of time that both Link and Kiki would need extra attention at bedtime. I got the little ones into bed early, well earlier anyway, it wasn’t exactly “early.” Then before I even tried to tuck Link into bed I sat down and talked to him about missing his friend. I did some talking, but mostly I did listening. Or more acurately prodding Link to talk so that he could put feelings into words. That process was critical for him to understand what was happening in his own head. It was amazing to me when Link made his own mental connection between his recent difficulties staying in bed and trying to avoid thinking about missing his friend. I hadn’t mentioned the connection to him, he just recognized it on his own. Extra love, extra snuggles, extra patience and a recognition that his regression into younger behaviors was a temporary stress response, got us through. At least it got us through last night. Link will need to grieve again because grief is never tidy.
Once Link was in bed I was able to focus on Kiki. This friend is also Kiki’s close friend. He was essentially an extra brother for her. They quarrelled a lot and many times Kiki would come storming home declaring that she would never play with him again. “Never again” usually lasted about an hour. Kiki’s grief will probably end more quickly than Link’s because the relationship was different and because she is better able to verbalize it and analyze it. But last night the grief was fresh and painful. Again I listened.
First grief is hard because the person has no prior experience to let them know that grief is temporary. When grief is fresh it hurts so bad that the grief stricken person cannot see past it. Right now Kiki and Link do not believe it will ever get better. They are both convinced that missing this friend will always hurt this much and make them this sad. I know otherwise, but they wouldn’t believe me if I told them. I just have to wait for them to discover for themselves. I just have to wait and walk this path with them so they don’t have to be alone. They will have other causes for grief in future years and in those cases this experience will help them know in advance that grief can be survived. That after grief comes new happiness. Knowing that does not lessen the pain, but makes the walk less frightening.
“…know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” Doctrine & Covenants 122:7
“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and think afflictions shall be but a small moment.” Doctrine & Covenants 121:7
“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” Doctrine & Covenants 64:33
Fantastic mother does not begin to describe you. Keep it up, good luck, and as a side note, I am reminded every time I read a post of yours that you are also a phenomenal writer.
Fantastic mother does not begin to describe you. Keep it up, good luck, and as a side note, I am reminded every time I read a post of yours that you are also a phenomenal writer.
I just wanted to let you know what a comfort the scripture you quoted today was. I’m not active in the church at all, and have been thinking a lot about decisions I’ve made that have led me down the path I am currently on. I was particularly thinking about Heavenly Father this morning, as I waited in a cold examining room at the local ER to be reassured I was not miscarrying my first child.
Even though I don’t know you, you are a blessing to me. You have blessed me with your insights into childrearing, and have given me excellent ideas that I hope to put to use someday, and you have blessed me again today by offering me comfort and assurance.
thank you.
I just wanted to let you know what a comfort the scripture you quoted today was. I’m not active in the church at all, and have been thinking a lot about decisions I’ve made that have led me down the path I am currently on. I was particularly thinking about Heavenly Father this morning, as I waited in a cold examining room at the local ER to be reassured I was not miscarrying my first child.
Even though I don’t know you, you are a blessing to me. You have blessed me with your insights into childrearing, and have given me excellent ideas that I hope to put to use someday, and you have blessed me again today by offering me comfort and assurance.
thank you.
Kudos, again.
You are right about the kids not being able to see past the moment and their immediate pain. We have a big problem in this area with son #3, he frequently overloads on the negative aspects of the moment. He will be 90% done with a chore and will just sit down and quit because, “I’m never going to be finished. (grump grump, wine wine)” He can’t see beyond his current pain, and sadly doesn’t learn from times when he did finish because “but this is different!” even though its not.
Bravo for you.
Kudos, again.
You are right about the kids not being able to see past the moment and their immediate pain. We have a big problem in this area with son #3, he frequently overloads on the negative aspects of the moment. He will be 90% done with a chore and will just sit down and quit because, “I’m never going to be finished. (grump grump, wine wine)” He can’t see beyond his current pain, and sadly doesn’t learn from times when he did finish because “but this is different!” even though its not.
Bravo for you.
You are very welcome. I don’t usually put scripture in my livejournal, but today I knew that I needed to do so without knowing why. I’m glad they ended up as much needed words for you.
I peeked in your journal and you’ve had quite the emotional rollercoaster. I’m glad that things look alright for now. I know several people who were put on bedrest for mid-pregnancy bleeding and all of those pregnancies resulted in healthy children. I’ll send a couple of prayers your way.
You are very welcome. I don’t usually put scripture in my livejournal, but today I knew that I needed to do so without knowing why. I’m glad they ended up as much needed words for you.
I peeked in your journal and you’ve had quite the emotional rollercoaster. I’m glad that things look alright for now. I know several people who were put on bedrest for mid-pregnancy bleeding and all of those pregnancies resulted in healthy children. I’ll send a couple of prayers your way.
thanks…
And, uh, sorry you had to read all my “colourful” words.
thanks…
And, uh, sorry you had to read all my “colourful” words.
*gives you a hug*
You don’t know me, but I’ve been where you are – I wish you luck. It’s hard to be scared and worried about your unborn baby, but thank heavens we live in a time where we can save these precious ones, sometimes.
*gives you a hug*
You don’t know me, but I’ve been where you are – I wish you luck. It’s hard to be scared and worried about your unborn baby, but thank heavens we live in a time where we can save these precious ones, sometimes.
Well that explains things
To the best of my knowledge, the first time I remember grieving, I was 19. Things have never looked the same since.
That whole episode takes on a different light now.
Well that explains things
To the best of my knowledge, the first time I remember grieving, I was 19. Things have never looked the same since.
That whole episode takes on a different light now.