Day: May 25, 2008

Romantic comedy movies are like chocolate. They aren’t very filling, a little bit makes me happy, a lot makes me feel sick. Romantic comedies rarely have much depth and they frequently depend upon the characters being stupid to maintain the tension of the plot. It really irritates mewhen the character I’m supposed to identify with consistently makes illogical or outright idiotic choices. But despite this common flaw, I still enjoy watching them every so often.

Last night I watched 27 Dresses starring Katherine Heigl. I found myself completely drawn in and immersed. Usually when a movie makes me cry I feel tricked or angry because I did not want to feel that. I shed tears during this movie, but I did not mind. After the movie was over, I tried to figure out why I was so drawn in to this particular comedy. In part it is because the viewpoint character, Jane, does not make illogical decisions. She does not lie or pretend to be something other than she is. She does not try to undermine other people. She does not try elaborate shenanigans to win the object of her affection. Some of those things are done by other people and they actually get rewarded appropriately for their ridiculousness.

But the reason for my immersion in the film goes deeper than a lack of annoying romantic comedy tropes. I know this because plenty of the tropes were there in full force. The key for why this movie kept me involved and keeps me thinking, is the main character. Jane is a woman who finds joy in helping others. She loves beauty, particularly in the form of weddings. She has dreams of what she wants for the future, (mostly to fall in love and have a beautiful wedding, not deep or ambitious, but what do you expect from a romantic comedy?) but she constantly and consistently puts her desires aside to answer the perceived needs of others. This resonates strongly with me because I do it all the time. I always balance my own needs against the needs I see around me. The lesson Jane learns in the movie is that sometimes always putting others first does everyone a disservice. She learns to step up and take charge of her own life rather than always just waiting for her dreams to happen to her. I cried for Jane as I watched other characters steal her dreams from her piece by piece while Jane stood and let them because she loved them too much to stop them. I was so glad when Jane finally started standing up for herself and telling people what she wanted, when she finally gave everyone else the chance to assist in her dreams.

After the movie was over, I found myself wondering: am I like Jane? I’m very good at taking charge. I always have plans that I’m working toward. But I constantly worry about the balance between meeting the needs of others and reaching for the things that I want. I know there have been times where I have given up something I wanted because I’d rather cause pain to myself than to someone I love. Parents do this all the time. It is necessary and noble. It is also frequently taken too far. There comes a time when a parent must stand up and say: this time my wants come first. That has to be done for the benefit of the child as well as the parent. And this applies to all loving relationships, not just parent/child. The trick is knowing when it is time to stop sacrificing. I’m not sure I always do. I know there are times where I do too much. I fold clothes for a child who should fold their own. I pick up homework left laying on the counter and put it into backpacks. I pick up a beloved toy rather than let it get stepped on and broken. These are small services that I do out of love, but they also prevent the recipient from feeling the consequences of not doing these things. If I prevent all these small consequences, how will my children ever learn to be responsible for themselves? Not only that, but the services are so small that the recipient will never even notice that they were done. I make it too easy for people to take me for granted. Being busier has solved much of this. I’ve had to learn to say: no I can’t. Do it for yourself.

I think I need to watch this movie again. I want to figure out how much of what I’ve been thinking about is really in the film and how much I read into it.

I became a gardener the Spring and Summer of 1999 while I was recovering from radiation therapy. The slow pace of gardening was perfect for me at that time. For the past nine years, gardening has been solely my pursuit. Howard likes the idea of growing food, but he’s too busy to make time for it. The kids have also liked having food and flowers growing, but they weren’t interested in doing any of the work. For whatever reason, this year is different. This past week as I’ve gone to do my outside hour, a child or two will show up at my side. They want to know what I’m doing and if they can help. So we sit together and talk a little. Whatever task I am doing it seems like I can find some way for a child to be helpful. I think perhaps the kids have recognized that unlike when I’m working in my office, when I am gardening, I am available. I’ll put down my weeds and push them on a swing. I’ll listen to what they have to say and give detailed answers to questions. I like being available to them this way. My hour of outside time is being good for us all. It creates a not-busy space in my day where my kids do not have to fight for my full attention. I’m not just growing plants, I’m growing relationships and minds.