The wreckage of me
I know the day has gone awry when I find myself standing in the food storage closet and crying because I am out of brown sugar. The lack of brown sugar was obvious evidence that I’ve not been keeping track of the food stores that we have in stock. This is itself evidence that I am a failure and that everything is going to fall apart. Worst of all the lack of brown sugar means that I can not make the cookies that I wanted to feed the kids for snack (And to eat for my own comfort) so now I have to think up something else to feed them, but I know that they won’t like any of the other options that I might suggest. And whatever I decide, I will have to go for yet another round of “May-I-have-chocolate-chips no-you-may-not” with Patch. At least with the cookies I could deny the chocolate chips on the basis that they were needed for the cookies.
The morning went great. I loved the morning. Then it was 1 pm and I had not even started the necessary business tasks for the day.
I expect too much of me. It is hard not to when I know what I am capable of accomplishing. So I build my schedules around my capabilities on a good day. But not all days are good. I can not always be working at full capacity. No one can. But I’m afraid to budge an inch on this schedule I’ve created. I’m afraid that if I start being flexible, then it will all get bent out of shape and not be a schedule at all. And if the schedule falls apart I won’t be able to get everything done that needs doing. …only I’m already not getting everything done which implies that this schedule I’ve constructed may already be dysfunctional. …but it has only been two days, maybe I haven’t got the hang of it yet.
I just wish my shoulders would unknot. My stress makes no logical sense. There is no catastrophe. No emergency. All is well.
Howard asked me if I’d missed my thyroid medication. I assured him I had not, but then I counted. 10 days ago was Kiki’s party. I may have missed a dose back then. Maybe that would explain this emotional tailspin. The tailspin hit pretty suddenly around noon. That is consistent with a single missed dose. If I pull back out around noon tomorrow, that would fit the pattern perfectly. I think I’ve stopped hating being chemically dependent and moved on to loving my medicine because it keeps me stable.
Right now I feel like the wreckage of a boat that has washed up on a peaceful beach after a storm. The kids are all in bed. I hope the only storms tomorrow are the ones that drop rain from the sky.