The tired begins
I have been rude to people today. I did not intend to be rude. I am just tired and distracted and unable to track more than a single thing at a time. To someone who does not know the whole story of why I am tired, I just seem rude. Unfortunately I am aware of my inability to function politely, but I’m too tired to fix it. So I try to find a quiet space to recuperate, which works until the unexpected visitor stops by or until four children start stacking requests on me in quick succession. I’m afraid the kids bear the brunt of my fatigue. They get snapped at or scolded. I apologize, but that is not the same as having me better able to manage. I know I am not in a good mental place when I start needing things from my kids instead of giving to them or carefully structuring expectations. It gets especially difficult when what I need is in direct contradiction to what they need. This evening they needed their mom. They needed me to fix snacks and listen to their rambles. They needed to be heard so they could unwind for bed. I needed silence and space. They needed talking and cuddles.
We’ll all be fine. One evening of cranky mothering will not do serious damage. I know this, but I can’t seem to shut up that guilty voice in my head; the one that points out how frequently I have been cranky in the past two months. The one that counts up the hours the kids have been spending on electronic entertainments when I was too busy to make them vary their activities. The one that counts up the missed piano lessons, and gymnastics classes, and scout activities. The one that sees we still have two weeks go go before the books are shipped. The one who sees how tired Howard is, and yet he is the one doing the dishes. This voice whispers of laundry and weeds and microwaved meals. All that guilt pounds in my head and makes it even harder for me to hear the needs of the kids as they speak to me.
Goodness I am tired. Howard is tired. In theory today should be a day of celebration. We have all the books. They are here. But all Howard and I can see is the work yet to do. He is weighed down by it. I am weighed down by it. Both of us are too tired to do more than try not to add our stress to the other person. I want him to smile and be happy and confident so I can ride on the wave of his energy. Unfortunately he could use the same wave from me. I haven’t got it. Not today. Tomorrow we will be fine. We will just have work to do and we will get going on it. Then we will keep going until it is done. But we are not looking forward to the emotional and physical haul of the next few weeks.