Day: June 12, 2009

I was not inclined to cook dinner and there were coupons, so it was Del Taco for dinner. Besides Gleek and Patch deserved to get to do something special since Link was off at Scout Camp and Kiki was off role playing with Howard. So we loaded into the car and headed out.

At first the conversation revolved around Fable 2. Each of the kids has their own game file. Gleek and Patch had much to discuss. I’ll admit that it was a bit odd listening to Gleek talk about her Bert and realize that she’d had her character get married in the game. She’s been having a great time buying him a house and giving him presents. All the implications of being married completely pass over Gleek’s head. She’s just playing house in the virtual world of Fable 2. However discussion of Bert did lead her to ask me questions about how flirting works in real life. It was a nice moment for me to impart information on how I think healthy relationships should work and to give her some selection criteria that may be of use to her in about ten years. It underlines for me how different my kids are. It never occurred to Kiki or Link to ask questions about flirting.

The topic of conversation turned, which was something of a relief. I did not want to enter Del Taco in the midst of a conversation with an 8-year-old telling her how to go about selecting a boyfriend. My relief was short lived because I found myself mired in a conversation about blindness. Several weeks ago Gleek came to me and declared a passionate desire to be blind and she wanted to know how she could become blind. Gleek is strong willed and occasionally impulsive and it seemed fearfully possible that she might deliberately blind herself if I gave her the information. So I prudently gave her the true, but incomplete, information that some people are born blind and others become blind through illness. Stymied on the possibility of blindess, Gleek was frustrated to learn that I gave the same answer about deafness. I was not pleased to have a rehash of the conversation as we were pulling into the Del Taco parking lot. Discussions of how exactly congenital damage occurs were not conducive to eating.

Fortunately entering a new location is always highly distracting. Del Taco is located on the corner of a busy intersection. Patch immediately declared his desire to eat at the colorful be-umbrellaed tables outside. Since there was a fence and some grass defending the spot from the street, I agreed. As usual, the kids pinged about examining the new space. The tables, benches, fence, grass, and Del Taco itself were all scrutinized. This being a taco place, the kids naturally settled on Hamburgers as their food of choice. So we sat and ate while the cars drove by.

After awhile Gleek picked a sesame seed off the top of her hamburger and walked solemnly over to drop it into the grass. She informed us that she was planting a hamburger seed and that it would grow into a hamburger tree.
“Really?” Patch asked, his eyes wide.
“Yup.” Gleek assured him. She went on to describe how the tree grows both the burgers and the buns. Then people pick them and put them together. After a moment she added that the tree grows ketchup too.
At first Patch was not quite sure whether or not to believe her. She was so calmly certain of the facts that she was telling. I wasn’t even sure whether Gleek believed this tall tale. But then the sly smile emerged and Patch grinned back. So they planted several more hamburger trees while they finished eating.

Then Gleek began watching the cars driving by. She noticed a van like ours and drew our attention to it. That was why we were all looking at the street when the parade float drove past. It was gloriously sparkley and traveling fairly fast. If we had not been looking, we would have missed it. We all laughed about it being our own private parade, when a second float also drove past. A few minutes later there was a third, much slower float towed by. I can only imagine that they’re being hauled down to Provo for the upcoming Fourth of July festivities. We waited, but that was the end of the parade. Del Taco has now been cemented in the kids’ minds as a very cool place to eat.

Last night I was in need of encouragement. Weeks of stress and no routine had worn me down to the point where I felt like I was failing at everything. No matter what I looked at or thought about, it was tallied up as evidence of my various failures. I was aware of the illogic, but I couldn’t seem to kick it out of my head. So I was in avoidance mode switching between reading a novel which didn’t completely interest me to reading the internet which didn’t completely interest me. I’d finally managed to shuffle all the kids off to bed and was ready to bury myself in something escapist.

This was the point at which Howard came to me and asked if I needed him to spend time with me rather than sitting down to play Fable 2. My answer should have been “yes.” But Fable is escapist and I was focusing on escaping. Also I was aware that much of what was stressing me are large scale fears about how our business is shifting and what those shifts will require from me. Once I started talking, it was all going to spill out. I was afraid that it would be like a dam breaking and that Howard would be left feeling guilty about all the things that the Schlock Business requires of me. We’ve been there before. I also did not want Howard to have to give up his relaxation to tend to my illogical fears. So I told him Fable would be fine, but part of me wanted him to read my mind and dig for the buried emotion. Then the flood would not be my doing. Also Howard would have demonstrated that he really sees me and what I am going through, that he puts me above relaxing.

What is it with that whole “prove you love me” loop that happens in women’s brains? I can see it, and speak it out loud to Howard, pointing out how ridiculous it is, but I still need the answer to the question “why do you love me?” Late last night Howard and I did end up talking. It was abbreviated since we were both exhausted and aware of the need to be functional today. But I asked the question. Then immediately followed it by saying that I was asking it while needing a specific type of answer, but I couldn’t give him any hints as to what that answer might be, because if I gave him a hint then I wouldn’t know whether he really meant the answer or if he was just parroting back the words I told him to say. Howard and I laughed together about the stupid illogic and twisty mind game that was going on in my head. Then Howard answered the question and he got it right. And I cried. And I realized that the answer I really needed was “I see all that you do, and it matters.” Why was I so tangled up that I couldn’t just ask for the affirmation? Sometimes I can be straightforward and sometimes I have to walk in these stupid little emotional thought loops in order to get anywhere. No wonder men get so frustrated with women. I get frustrated with myself.

Just today a good friend wrote about how much she enjoys the company of her guy friends. She likes that everything is straightforward and simple. I’ve been friends with enough guys that I can see what she is describing. I can see how it would be relaxing. I even try to be that way. I try to take friendships and events at face value. Some days I can, but other days there is this layer of my brain that is analyzing, telling me that things can not be so simple as they appear. There must be more layers and meanings. This part of my brain takes trends and spins them into possible futures and urges me to make today’s decisions based upon those possible futures. I must consider the tones of voice and body postures to look for hidden meanings which could be indicators of unspoken emotional issues. Obviously those issues must be resolved so that the friendship can continue. There is nothing simple about the way my brain works. I can see exactly why guy friends could be much more relaxing than girl friends, because I can see inside my own thoughts/behaviors and I know that I’m pretty simple for a girl. I’m self-aware about my stupid little emotional loops. It helps, but not as much as the ability to walk in a straight line would.

The good news is that I am not constantly circuitous. Most of the time I am able to say exactly what I mean. I just end up spinning in circles whenever I have unresolved fears or emotions. Like that fear about being a dam near breaking. I did not break. Howard helped me manage my overflow valve and the stress level is much lower this morning. Things that were overwhelming yesterday are simple tasks today. Life is better and everything feels brighter. I can even look ahead at this summer’s events with feelings of anticipation rather than dread. This is good. I should talk to Howard more.