I like days where I am high energy and focused. I also like days that are drifty and somewhat formless. I’m not so fond of days like today, where I have a vague awareness that I really want to be getting lots of things done, but somehow the hours escape me without any sort of measurable progress. I did manage to arrange for the freezer to be moved from our downstairs pantry into the garage, but then instead of pursuing the project by setting up shelving for the food storage, I…sort of wandered off to click my way through the internet a couple more times. I did locate some ideas that I may want to apply when remodeling my office, none of which are immediately useful. I read a couple of articles with interesting science information. I have no current applications for this information. I felt some vague guilt that my kids seemed to have breathed in the same unambitious air. They had a mythbusters marathon. I sometimes felt like I ought make them do something active, but the weather was cold, windy, wet. Gleek felt under the weather. Link had just returned from an overnight fishing trip. Most of all I couldn’t seem to find the necessary focus to insist on something else.
I wanted to be energetic today. I wanted to get projects done and clean my house. I wanted to make everything ready for the week that is coming. Alternately it would have been nice to have a truly relaxed vacation day, something refreshing and rejuvenating. I didn’t really have either one. It wasn’t a bad day. Nothing in particular went wrong. I just felt like I squandered the potential of the day I was given and I’m not sure why. Hopefully I can be more energetic tomorrow.
I call those, “Zen days,” when it rapidly becomes clear (either because I keep bumping into or breaking things or because it just seems like nothing’s quite working out), that I need to let go of my original plans and just go with the flow. They drive me a bit crazy, but I think they have their own usefulness.
Recently, when I have months at a stretch like this, I know I’m either pregnant or my thyroid is low. In a bit I’ll start blaming sleep deprivation. I’m sure I used to have these days when no culprit was around to take the blame. They feel very very familiar.
Sometimes my only hope is to do useful things while not admitting that I’m doing them. Sure I’ll quit, I tell myself, just as soon as I do this one thing. And then string two minute tasks end to end without really noticing. Child interruptions often waylay this technique. But training myself to ignore all but vital child interruptions also builds up an ability to ignore it when my brain says, hey wait, this is so not two minutes! However, my brain doesn’t allow this tactic frequently. It’s rather an interesting fluke when I can pull it off.