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Smashed

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It was not the outcome that anyone intended, yet somehow we ended up with shards of something that used to be whole. The shards were sharp, able to do more harm if they were not handled carefully. This is the story of many of my days these past couple of years. It is the story of yesterday when a person came to my house to talk to me about behavioral issues with one of my kids. The person departed and I was left with shards, not even sure where I fit in the metaphor. Am I the broken thing? Or am I the one who has to figure out how to clean up? Feels like both.

I went to my room and cried for a while. Then I talked with my child and we both cried for even longer, because harm has been done and needs to be made right. My child is both harmed and the one at fault. I have to spend energy preventing my mind from trying to analyze all of the moments that led up to the one where things were smashed. As if I could alter the outcome by finding decision points that led to alternate timelines. My mind also tells me that I’m blowing it all out of proportion. It is, after all, only a small broken thing. Clean up will be quick and we’ll move onward.

Except that I end up smashed (or cleaning up after smash) so often lately. Those tiny shards scatter themselves and sometimes I find my self bleeding because of shrapnel from something I thought I cleaned up long ago.

This too is part of the holiday. The house is filled with beauty, but also with things that are more prone to breaking. The pressure to make sure the moments are glowing and meaningful, also means that some of the fragile things will crack. I may be one of the fragile things. I am to be my best self, but that is difficult in a season which increases the demands on my limited resources. Even the articles, speeches, and pleas to simplify are commandments with which I must struggle to comply. Thus I find myself contemplating the shards of an ornament on the floor of the front room. Thinking about all the ways in which Christmas breaks people.

And also the ways that it heals people. And how sometimes things must be broken before they can become something else. And how the metaphor begins to fall apart before I’ve found my way through to an epiphany. I would like to have an epiphany. I would like to have a shining moment where I can clearly see that all the smashed days were necessary, part of a grand plan designed to help me and mine grow. I’m certain that some of them were critical. Perhaps yesterday was one of them. I’m also certain that some of them were just the result of human beings clumsily bumping into each other and accidentally doing harm. It would be nice to be able to see which days were which.

Or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe I’m better off treating all the smashed up days as if they were important. Maybe it is only in trying to find meaning in the shards of something broken that the brokenness gains any meaning at all. I do believe there is a plan, and it begins with me fetching a broom. We learn by doing, struggling, smashing, cleaning up, and moving on.

4 comments to Smashed

  • Emily M.

    Thank you for writing this, and for sharing your journey as you parent your wonderful children. I have learned so much from your writing. I am in a good place with my most challenging child right now, but it ebbs and flows. We’re all right just now; next month may be hard again. What I love about your writing is the way you keep going, keep trying new things, keep looking for the good and positive amid the hard times. It speaks to me. It’s good to know I am not alone as I try to figure out the mental health care system. I’m so impressed by your persistence in helping your kids and also carving out time to write. You are doing a good work.

  • Peggy :)

    Oh Sandra!! I wish I’d read this right after you wrote it so I could have sent you peace and love and just everything not in pieces!!! *hugs hugs hugs* I hope you’re not feeling smashed any more. You deserve to not feel smashed and for you and your family to have many more good days than bad!

    (I hope you don’t mind exclamation points. They are there because I mean them all, most emphatically!)

    • This particular situation is 95% resolved, and resulted in some really important information and shifts. Sometimes smashed is necessary. Never fun, but necessary.