Sandra Tayler

Eye contact

By / June 25, 2007 / 16 Comments

I have noticed that when I talk to people, I avoid eye contact. When I listen to people I look directly at them. Somehow looking at someone when I’m talking to them feels pushy or rude or perhaps too intimate. I’ve noticed that some other people do the same thing, but I’m not sure that everyone does. This leaves me wondering how common this behavior is and what kind of a message it sends to the people with whom I am conversing. Do I seem distant? Aloof? Disinterested? Shy? Or perhaps I merely seem normal and polite.

What do you do with your eyes when you talk and listen to people?

Grouchy Sunday

By / June 24, 2007 / 3 Comments

I do not like to sit with my children in Primary Sharing Time. I am thoroughly bored by the meeting itself (No surprise, it is geared toward 3-7 year-olds not adults) and frequently so are the children (At this age kids quickly get bored of everything.) So all they have to do is find ways to entertain themselves. My job is to try to teach them appropriate reverent and attentive behavior. If I were just sitting with someone else’s children I can be detached and amused while helping correct. But Gleek and Patches feel compelled to climb all over me, play with my hair, squabble because they both want the whole lap, and otherwise impinge upon my personal space. I always end the hour wondering how anybody puts up with my children who behave as appropriately as monkeys or goats would in the same place. I am mad because I’m unable to correct them without making a scene. I am mad that somehow I failed to teach them properly. And I am stuck in a miserable situation because I am in charge of not only my kids but other people’s children as well. Those other kids? They get no attention from me. None. I can’t see past my own ape-goats to do more than snap out a whispered “Sit down!”

Class time is fine. During class time, I’m in control. I get to shape the lesson. I get to respond to the needs of the kids. And I only have to deal with one of my children instead of two because the other child is off in class. And I can say “I’m not a mommy right now. I’m a teacher.” They actually understand that. If the class is out of control, I have piles of tactics to bring it back. I’m very good at managing small groups of children. It is torture to have to sit quietly while being climbed over and watching someone else sort-of manage a large group of children. (I’m not critizing here. The teacher was doing well. Large groups of young children are extremely hard to manage.)

Today I substituted for Gleek’s class. As I picked up Patches his teacher tried to corner me to ask if I’d be in town next week. I said I wasn’t sure. I really do not want to do this again next week. It is selfish of me. I know that primary teachers work hard. I know how frustrating and uncomfortable it is to have to beg people to substitute. I’ve been there. But right now is really not a good time in my life for me to be subbing for my younger two kids. In a couple of years it’ll be fine again. In a couple of years I may even enjoy it thoroughly. All I know is that after having me sit with them this week, next week I’m going to have to work twice as hard to get them to go at all. If I sit in there again next week it will all be worse. I hope they get someone else before they get around to asking me. I don’t want to have to say no. But if they do ask I think I’ll say no.

In the summer I have kids with me all day every day. Those two childless hours at church provide a blessed and much needed relief. Usually after church I’m ready to spend time with my kids because I’ve had a break. Right now I just want to lock myself in a room all by myself and ignore them all.

(Note: All parenthetical comments were added later in the day because I am apparently unable to let my grumpy rants go unqualified.)

Good friends make good days

By / June 23, 2007 / 2 Comments

It is really good to have a friend who will just come and hang out at my house with me while I do dishes and tend to needy kids. This had the potential to be a really grouchy day and instead it was a very nice one.

Botanical Gardens

By / June 22, 2007

Today was “outing day.” If the kids have been getting all their chores done during the week, then we take some time on Friday to go and do something out of the ordinary just for fun. Today we started with a drive to Dragon’s Keep to pick up Howard. We went out to dinner at Chuck-a-rama. It was pricey, but I can’t teach kids how to behave in a restaurant if we never go to one. They love getting to pick whatever they want to eat. They especially love that they can pick lots of desserts.

After dinner the kids weren’t quite ready to go home yet. I was considering taking them to the Museum of Art at BYU, but I wasn’t sure when it closed for the day. On a whim I drove to the BYU Botanical Gardens instead. It was the right choice. The kids loved the duck pond. Another family gave us the last of their bread so my kids got to feed ducks. They even got to feed three little ducklings. The pond also had four turtles and some fish. The kids loved it. After awhile we went on a walk along the trail through the gardens. The kids loved that as well. They kept running ahead and exclaiming over every cool thing they found. A stream! A flower! A rock wall! Stairs! A bridge! Tennis balls! A Bird! We took a break at the top of the trail and went inside the Maeser building for a bathroom. I still love that building. I think it is my favorite building on the campus. The kids liked it too. Their voices automatically hushed with reverence. Then we wended our way back down the trail to the duck pond. I could tell that the kids were wearing out. They stopped running so far ahead and the steady stream of exclamations dwindled to a trickle.

At the base of the trail we again paused to enjoy the duck pond. A group of people had a dog there. I found it fascinating that wherever the dog went all the ducks in the pond would begin swimming toward the dog. It was almost as if they were prepared to attack the potential predator. There were probably 20 ducks out there and it was fascinating to watch this little fleet swim and maneuver. The dog was paying no attention to the ducks. He was having fun with sticks and people.

Then it was time to go home. All the kids climbed into the car tired and happy. Gleek had a fistful of duck feathers which she sorted and described out loud during the trip home. Kiki kept talking about how she’d like to come back and just sit and draw or read. She kept asking me if I had come there often when I was a student at BYU. I did, but not often. I always meant to go, but life keeps getting busy. Link asked if maybe we could buy a house near that pond because he’d like to live close to it. Patches was too tired for commentary.

It was a good outing. We need to go back there again some time.

Self promtion 101

By / June 22, 2007 / 1 Comment

I had some thoughts while mowing the lawn. Some of them relate to my recent attendance at a writer’s workshop, others are things that bumped into each other and made connections.

When you’re trying to promote yourself or your work it is very important to be remembered. This is tricky because human brains are designed to sift information and dump all of the unimportant stuff. This is why you can arrive at work and not remember the drive at all. The drive was unimportant so it got dumped. However, if you have to slam on your breaks and swerve to miss a bicyclist, you will remember the entire drive because that swerve becomes the hook on which the entire memory hangs. If you want people to remember you, then you need to find hooks on which to hang the memory.

Sometimes you can use a hook that is already in place. I am frequently able to do this, particularly with people who have met Howard before. All I have to say is “I’m Howard’s wife” and they instantly have a place to hang the memory of me. You can do this even without a famous husband if you can tie into an interest the person already has. For example if you start a conversation about costuming with a costumed person at a con, then costuming can serve as a hook for the memory of you. All those conversations that start with “Oh you’re from Gettysburg? Do you know…” those are efforts to find pre-existing hooks and connections.

Often there isn’t a hook ready and waiting for you. Then you have to set your own hook. The best and surest way to do this is to have multiple contacts over a space of time. People meet you at a con once and forget you, but if you’re at the same con the next year then you can draw upon that previous meeting as a hook. The key is for you to remember enough about the first contact that you can draw it out of their deep stored memory. “I met you here last year” may not be sufficient to trigger a memory, but “I was the one who asked you the question about the frog” probably would be. Inviting people out to lunch is a great way to get remembered because the restaurant and the food can become a hook. This was why I was so frustrated with the workshop. I was not able to get near enough to any of the guests to set a hook and hang a memory. I couldn’t invite them to dinner or even just chat long enough to find a pre-existing hook. In the end I have to be content that our mutual attendance at the workshop will serve as a hook if I ever get a chance to meet any of them again.

It is important to realize that while being remembered is critical to self promoting, you can be remembered negatively. You don’t want to be remembered as “that annoying guy” unless your ability to be annoying is what you’re trying to promote. You will not be remembered by everyone at every meeting. It is possible to make a first impression so vivid that it will never be forgotten, but that is more likely to happen if the first impression is vividly negative. You want to be memorable, not desperate. Remember your multiple contacts can take place in the course of a con or a day or even an hour if you manage it right.

New furniture

By / June 21, 2007

This morning Howard went on a quest. Like any good quest it started with rounding up a companion for the road and many preparations to haul home the expected loot. We emptied out the back end of our van. Then Howard and his friend headed out into the wilds of Ikea in search of a new computer desk. This quest became necessary because Howard’s new wacom tablet arrived and he now needed a reasonable place to put it. We’ve been planning to replace his computer desk for a long time now, so this was not unexpected. They returned triumphant and are now joyfully using power tools to assemble the desk. I’m mostly staying out of the way. Hopefully this will help Howard get caught up on all the coloring he needs to do for the strip.

Staying Focused

By / June 20, 2007 / 6 Comments

Creative people collect projects the way that lonely old ladies collect cats. There are always projects laying around and begging for attention. Then we feel guilty because we have all these projects languishing and none of them are getting the attention they need.

I’ve known many creative people. I am one. I know that creative people get seized by an idea and bend everything else around the idea or project. Then they grow weary and are seized by a new idea. To succeed creatively you have to find ways to break the cycle of seizure and abandonment. The following are some of the ways that I’ve figured out how to stay focused and bring a project to completion.

Define goals: Pick a time when you are not enthralled by a project. Create a quiet space where you can look at your life and what you want to do with it. If you are happy with your day job, then your creative endeavors will just be a hobby for you. Hobby projects get different treatment than hope-for-the-future projects. It is perfectly acceptable to abandon a hobby if it gets difficult or boring. But if you are one of the many who want to make a living on creative endeavors, then you have to find a way not to abandon projects when they inevitably become boring or difficult. By defining your long term goals you provide a measuring stick for all your projects. I would love my house to be beautifully decorated, but for me that is a hobby project. It has to give way before book production projects which pay our bills. I know this because I know that I hope to be an author not an interior decorator. Knowing this helps me to rein myself in when I really want to tear down walls and repaint everything.

Define goals by asking yourself where you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years. Then each time you are seized by a fantastic idea, ask yourself if the idea is contributing to your goals or detracting from them. Periodically re-evaluate your long term goals. As your life changes, they may change too.

Make a project out of finishing projects: When the project is new, it grabs me and runs. That phase of the project is thrilling. Then my enthusiasm wanes and I decide whether the project is worth the time necessary to bring it to completion. If it is not, I abandon it completely without guilt. If I do want to have it done, then I dare myself to complete it. I start feeling compelled to finish just to show that I could get it all done.

Schedule time: Pick a time of the day that is devoted to your creative project. The positioning and length of this time will be dependent on other factors in your life. Some people may only have 30 minutes per week for creative endeavors. Others may have two hours per day. The point is that during that scheduled time you are only allowed to work on your project. Plan ahead for the scheduled time and put yourself in a place where you can get it done. This may mean getting a babysitter and going to a library. It may mean getting up at 5 am. It may mean cleaning the house so that you don’t feel cluttered and guilty. But create that sacrosanct project space in your life.

Make a chart: Track the progress of your project. If you’re quilting, count completed squares. If you’re writing a novel cross off chapters as you finish them. Having a visual representation of how much work you’ve done and how much is left to do can be extremely motivating.

Know there will be hard bits: At the beginning of your project take a few minutes to map out the steps needed to complete it. Look closely at these steps to identify which ones will be quagmires or roadblocks to the project. Spend some time thinking about how to overcome these challenges. Do all of this before you hit the difficult spots so that you are mentally prepared for things to be difficult. Writing my children’s book was fun. Getting the pictures from the artist was enthralling. Laying everything out was something that I wasn’t sure how to do and was daunting. So I lined up help for that piece long before I needed it.

Collaborate: Working with someone else provides an additional impetus for completing a project. Sometimes you’re both excited together and that is wonderful. Other times one partner is excited and the other is not. Then the excited partner can rekindle the excitement of the other partner. Alternately, a sense of responsibility can keep the unexcited partner working anyway in an effort not to let the other down. Collaboration is not all roses. There is the possibility that your partner will abandon or change the project. However collaboration has the potential to be very rewarding.

Enlist a cheering squad: Howard would not be doing Schlock Mercenary today if there had not been fans emailing to tell him how much they loved it. I know several people who finished their first novel simply because someone else bugged them for the next chapter. Find friends, neighbors, family who will cheer for you and encourage you to finish what you have begun. Then be brave enough to share your endeavors with these people.

I’m sure that there are other ways to stay focused. If you think of one, please post it in the comments so that others can benefit from the idea. As for me, I need to go work on a project now.

Two incidents and some thoughts

By / June 19, 2007 / 13 Comments

Incident 1: Last week I showed someone my picture book. They read it and expressed amazement at the main character who is always into trouble. They seemed to feel that I was exaggerating for literary effect. The conversation drifted before I had the chance to make clear that there isn’t any exaggeration in the book. It is a fairly accurate representation of living with Gleek.

Incident 2: At church on Sunday I watched a friend of mine with her 18 month old grand daughter. Throughout the one hour meeting the little girl sat politely on her grandma’s lap and played with little toys quietly. I was fascinated by that because it is completely outside my experience. I never had a toddler willing to sit politely.

I’m forced to the conclusion that what I consider normal behavior for children, is much wilder and higher energy than what other people consider normal. The next question to consider is whether this wildness is due to a lack of discipline from me or if it is something innate that would be much worse without the discipline that I provide. Unfortunately that isn’t something I can see standing here in the trenches.

Goats in the Grocery Store

By / June 18, 2007 / 2 Comments

Long ago, when Howard and I were expecting our first child, we were given a humorus list by a friend. The list offered suggestions about how to prepare yourself for parenthood. It had such gems as, preparing for feeding by hanging a gourd with a hole in it on a string. You then swing the gourd and try to spoon oatmeal into the hole. Or, to prepare for dressing a child, you try to shove an octopus into a string bag. The suggestion to prepare for shopping with a child was to take a live goat with you to the store. You were then expected to pay for anything the goat damaged or ate. If you wanted to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

This is on my mind because I took all four goats children to the store today. I did this on purpose as a family togetherness activity. I announced that we had $10 with which to buy ice cream and toppings. That part of it worked well. We had some lively debates over whether it was better to get two cartons of ice cream or additional toppings. Also whether to get a more expensive brand with a cooler flavor or a cheaper one. As far as a budgeting lesson goes I think the experience was a good one.

Unfortunately interspersed with the negotiations about toppings and prices and ice cream, were other exchanges. Local grocery stores have taken to providing shopping carts that have plastic cars on the front. Thus little kids can drive a car while mom shops. This actually makes sense and the kids like it. I am unable to explain why our local Albertsons went one step further and instead of a car, there is a bright pink butterfly for the kids to sit in. A bright pink butterfly with a pair of steering wheels. Weird. Anyway we snagged the butterfly cart. Gleek and Patches each claimed a steering wheel and Link climbed into the basket. Kiki volunteered to push the cart and all was well for about two minutes. Then Gleek decided that driving the butterfly was boring, so she wanted to sit on top of it. Sitting on top is not recommended even with an adult driving the cart. Kiki was blundering all over the place and hitting things while she tried to get a feel for how huge the butterfly actually is. I’d always associated butteflies with lightness and gracefulness. This one lumbered.

After the “you may not sit on top” argument, Gleek decided to join Link in the basket. There was just enough room if they were both polite. They weren’t. Not only that, but Patches decided that the basket was the place to be and climbed into it while my back was turned. I was trying to get them to think about whether they should choose butterscotch or caramel and they were squabbling over squatters rights.

Then came the checking out. I was tired of the butterfly/jungle gym, so I ordered all the kids out of it and sent Kiki to go return it to the front of the store. Then I had three loose children all ready to touch the candy and magazines. Or, in the case of Gleek, to do spinning tricks on the ailse bars between check out lanes. I kept raising my voice trying to get their attention. They kept scattering, each with his or her own agenda. I attempted to bring it back under control by ordering them all to hold hands, only Kiki didn’t want to hold hands with Gleek, but Gleek desperately wanted to hold Kiki’s hand.

We made it back to the car. Then we made it home and ate the hard won ice cream. I hope they remember the happiness of the group experience. I hope they remember the lessons about fitting inside a budget. I hope that they remember being together as a family. I hope they don’t remember Mom being frustrated at them all.

It is always a difficult walk being out in public with my kids. I have to try to make sure that they don’t impinge upon others. But which draws more negative attention, them running amok or me hollering to try to keep them all in line? It is better than it used to be, but it is still hard to manage 5 agendas for one shopping trip.

Paper Necktie

By / June 17, 2007 / 1 Comment

I was in the church hallway trying to locate all my children so that we could begin our walk home, when Link walked up to me smirking. This was his “I have been very clever and gotten away with something” smirk. I took a second look at him and he said,

“Are you looking at my paper tie?”

I looked down and he was indeed wearing a tie made out of a sheet of notebook paper. I’d been so focused on the smirk, that I hadn’t even noticed the tie.

“Why are you wearing a paper tie?” I asked, knowing full well that his silk tie was balled up in the pocket of his white shirt. I’d seen the tie there during sacrament meeting earlier and mentioned that he might want to put it on.

“I couldn’t put my tie on by myself, so a made a paper one.” Link answered smugly.

I smiled in return at his ingenuity in solving the problem of wearing a tie at church. Next week I’ll try to make sure that the leaving-for-church departure is a little less harried. Then I’ll have time to fish the crumpled tie from his shirt pocket and help him put it on.

Of course if I do forget, I’m sure Link will be quite pleased to have a reason to make another paper one.