Incident 1: Last week I showed someone my picture book. They read it and expressed amazement at the main character who is always into trouble. They seemed to feel that I was exaggerating for literary effect. The conversation drifted before I had the chance to make clear that there isn’t any exaggeration in the book. It is a fairly accurate representation of living with Gleek.
Incident 2: At church on Sunday I watched a friend of mine with her 18 month old grand daughter. Throughout the one hour meeting the little girl sat politely on her grandma’s lap and played with little toys quietly. I was fascinated by that because it is completely outside my experience. I never had a toddler willing to sit politely.
I’m forced to the conclusion that what I consider normal behavior for children, is much wilder and higher energy than what other people consider normal. The next question to consider is whether this wildness is due to a lack of discipline from me or if it is something innate that would be much worse without the discipline that I provide. Unfortunately that isn’t something I can see standing here in the trenches.
All children are born with innate personalities and characteristics that are completely separate from the discipline provided by a parent. My sister has two boys that couldn’t be more different than night and day. Abram, the oldest, was like that toddler girl you saw–anything you asked him to do, he’d do. Wise beyond his years.
Marshall, on the other hand, is teaching my sister anew how to raise a toddler. He’s nothing like his big brother was. She can’t just rely on what she already did with Abram because Marshall has a completely different imagination. Marshall does things Abram would never have thought of.
So it has nothing to do with your parenting skills, in my opinion. It has a lot to do with the personality of the child.
When my children were (are) especially difficult to handle I like to think that Heavenly Father knows our limits, but will test them to the extent to which we can handle them in order for us to grow. I like to hope that he has high expectations from me and therefore has given me greater challenges! 🙂 (This is what I tell myself when I am totally frustrated.)
I cannot forget going to my grandmother’s home for Sunday dinner when I had two small toddler’s (about 1 and 3). She offered to get the playpen out to contain them while we ate dinner. I was astonished because I knew the moment they were put in the playpen they would climb right back out. She insisted that my mom used to just sit in her playpen playing sweetly for long periods of time. Mine would have just used it as a jungle gym. I know there are times I could have taught (or disciplined) my children better, but I also know that they have their own personalities from birth. It is our job to help shape them and teach them to how to behave in different circumstances, but there is no question that some children are more challenging than others! Hang in there! (PS: I can’t wait to read your book. I doubt I will see it as exaggeration…I’ve been there.)
I am constantly amazed at the difference in children’s personalities. When Talon was little (he’s one of those genius angel children) I thought it was because I was such a good mom. *snickers* Saia is a walking circus. You can teach them certain things that are helpful to your parenting and to their life skills- like logic skills and how to follow instructions and be respectful to others, but their personalities end up determining how they put those skills into play. I have nieces and nephews that are 10 times wilder than either of my kids and children of friends that are crazy as well. I think if anything is the norm these days it’s the crazy kids, and the well-behaved ones are few and far between. Look at the messages sent to our kids by every media outlet,child and adult around them (especially outside the home)- they are expected to be selfish and crazy and out of control and to indulge every childish want that may occur. It’s no wonder we look at them sometimes and think, “Who raised you?”
I was hoping you’d post on this! Not only do you have some rambunctious kids, but they’re also incredibly sweet kids at the same time! Not to mention there’s a good bit of diversity amongst the four! *chuckles* I just remembered those two toddlers who would climb over everything. Time flies, huh? 🙂 And yeah, I don’t think it has anything to do with a lack of discipline! *L* I think my favorite story is when Molly was in… Kindergarten? And the teacher finally called you (on the first or second day, I believe) and said “Molly’s been on Red (which was the indicator that she was in big trouble) three times today… and she doesn’t care!!!” Some kids just learn and interact differently! 🙂
I’m really excited to read the book, too! Any news on a release date? 🙂
Kids just don’t have the outlets for their energy nowadays as they did in the past.
When I was a kid, we could roam the neighborhood and explore the creek with its hidden treasures of junk and wildlife. When we were living with my parents, my kids went off to do something similar while I was at work and my parents had a fit and chewed me out, even though they were supposed to be the ones watching the kids.
I came home to a “‘Manda, we need to talk,” from my father and when I found out what had happened, I asked, “Did they get hurt?”
“Well, no.”
“Outside of exploring the edge of the river, were they doing anything dangerous?”
“That’s not the point. You’re their mother. You should be making sure that they know better than to do such dangerous things.”
“Dad, I was at work. I didn’t even know they had been near the river until now. I am not clarivoyant. Kids like to be out in nature. Didn’t you play in the woods near your farm?”
I wasn’t expecting my father to actually go into reminicsing about his childhood, but it worked, because in the middle of it, he admitted to doing things far more dangerous than what my siblings and I did. He caught himself and said that was different.
“Dad, do you have any idea what my siblings and I used to do along the creek in Aurora?”*
“I don’t think I want to know.”
I nodded and added. “I will talk to them about safety, but I can’t be around them all the time. I’m a single mother. I have to work.”
The point is, it’s hard to keep kids busy nowadays in socially acceptable ways. It’s hard to keep them safe without curtailling outlets of entertainment that our parents had. I’m not saying we should allow them to get into trouble, but when we are cutting out all these activities, we’re making it almost impossible for kids to engage in imaginative and active play. I don’t have an answer for this. I’m only stating that it’s happening and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself that your kids are more active. At least you know what they are doing.
*My ditzy sister just younger than me had also gotten on the “this means you’re a horrible mother” bandwagon and she was the worst when it came to dangerous behavior as a kid. Of course, she’s not a good mother and it shows, so I think it was envy and guilt speaking.
Yeah. Gleek was sent to the principal’s office twice during her first week of kindergarten.
The book is currently submitted to a national publisher. I expect to recieve a rejection from them within about 3 months and we’ll proceed with self publication. So earliest probable publication date is October.
kids
In speaking to my pediatrician he commented that his children were high energy and always into things (he commented on it since my son would not leave the medical tools in the office alone) He said he had a few kids come in that sat quietly and did nothing in his office.
Those kids seemed to him to be uninterested in the world around them and lacked creative skills that he felt were vital to childhood and with learning how to cope. He said he worried about them, even while at the same time wishing his kids behaved like that in sacrament meeting.
Anyway . .. I guess what I’m saying is that your kids are NORMAL. And according to this very intelligent pediatrician, your kids have allowed themselves a creative outlet that will help them cope with stress in their later years.
I like his theory and use it to comfort myself with my own kids and their high energy. When my son uses the multi-colored Sharpie set to tattoo his own body, I can shake my head and imagine that Monet’s mother had to deal with stuff like this too.
Re: kids
This makes me feel much better. My kids always walk out of the doctor’s office with a fist full of tongue depressors, cotton swabs, and latex gloves.
The thought of Monet’s mother makes me giggle.
>>The next question to consider is whether this wildness is due to a lack of discipline from me or if it is something innate that would be much worse without the discipline that I provide.
I find myself facing this question at least once per week, particularly because Germans seem to have higher expectations of decorum than the Americans I grew up around. The only evidence I have on the nature vs nurture issue is internal: Aubrey sits quietly on the bench for long chunks of Sacrament meeting. Alex never did; still doesn’t. This leads me to conclude that personality is a large factor.
On the other hand, now that I think about it, Alex has mellowed out a lot since he started going to Kindergarten. I still haven’t figured out whether this is because he spends five hours a day with professionals who have been working with kids for twenty years, or because I am no longer exhausted and can attend to his needs better at home.
I think Heavenly Father DOES give you kids that you can handle but, also challenge you a bit (or a lot). After reading about different kids on different LJs I am EXTREMELY THANKFUL for my kids.
I don’t have enough energy to deal with super energetic kids who smear orange jello all over the kitchen and on the cat too. or the sharpie markers on self or walls. or a wandering child (that’s a BIG challenge).
My kids are good kids and just enough of a challenge for me. LightningBoy is more sensitive and quiet and likes the indoors and can sit still if there’s something to do in front of him.
SoccerGirl needs “fresh air” and to run around outside and has a hard time sitting still and being quiet in church. (can I say, “DON’T TOUCH ME! I DON’T LIKE YOU MOMMY! yelled during the sacrament?)
and yet, she’s shy too… so used to LightningBoy right there with her all the time that doing things by herself is scary.
I KNOW Heavenly Father loves me because he sent me some kids I could take care of even with me having Chronic Fatigue. On a bad day they often end up taking care of me…or themselves. : (
Often, in general, us adults expect kids to act like little adults.
I have a friend who gets mad at her kids when they, well, act like kids.
On the other hand, discipline is important. I’ve seen some kids who DO NOT get disciplined and it’s SCARY.
High energy yet knows to be nice and polite to others. Okay!
Kudos to you moms that get those kids with “much wilder and higher energy”! Good Job!
You have at least one child diagnosed with ADHD.
First thing to note is that ADHD is when the attention deficit and hyperactivity is enough to become a dosorder – such traits run the whole gamut from ‘placid’ to ‘tearing up the bookshelves’, they’re not either-or propositions. Not saying your kids all have it, but you’ve certainly got the genetics around for at least one – it may be a lot of your kids have the exhuberant natures. It certainly runs in our family, so it’s just a thought.
And even more simpler than this, as the obove posters have mentioned – Kids Are Just Different. My main point above was explaining it’s entirely possible to just happen to have a family whereapon a certain level of excitableness is more or less inherent, without it being a worrying set of co-incidences.
It is completely the children’s personalities – my boy is much like yours, and I don’t think we’ve ever made it as a family through Sacrament meeting since he was small enough to sleep through the whole thing. But my girl will sit quietly and play through all of Sacrament, Sunday School, and Relief Society, as long as she has small quiet toys. (Or in the case of 2 weeks ago, a wicker basket just big enough to sit in).
I’m not doing anything different with my wild man and my mild girl – it’s just how they are.