Month: July 2007

Yesterday I invited some friends over for dinner. I figured I needed some company with Howard gone for one more night. Much to my surprise, Howard walked in the door before we were even done eating. He left San Diego on Sunday instead of on Monday. I talked to him several times and he misled me about where on the road he was. I was, and am, very glad to have him here. I rushed to him and hugged him. I’m pleased to say that I focused on his face first before my eyes were drawn inevitably to The Boots. He got new boots in Vegas. Every time he walks into the room with them, my eyes are drawn to them. They are so wonderfully incongruous with the rest of his attire. (Pictures here)

Despite my earlier grumpy whining, I am really happy today. Howard is at home. Every time he walks into the room I am glad he is here. I’ve found myself sitting in his office, not because I had anything to say, but because I wanted to be near him.

A portion of our pre-con stress was trying to make sure that the booth was set up with Point of Sale credit card processing. Purchases were made, configurations were done, but the person who did all the set up work was not at the convention to run it. None of it got used because the people on-site were unable to figure out how to make it all work. Howard hauled it all home. Now my assignment is to make it all work and train Howard on it so that we don’t have this problem again.

I booted up the laptop and plugged in all the gear includine a barcode reader and a credite card reader. It all worked beautifully. I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t make it work at the convention. The next step was to connect the machine to the internet so I can do live processing. I made a trip to a store to buy the necessary ethernet cable. Then I came home and plugged the machine in. No can do. The computer will not recognize the existence of a network connection.

Okay.

So I decided that we’d pull out the laptop that Howard has laying around. We could use that instead. A mere 20 minutes of tinkering got that one connected to the internet. Now I just had to move the software over. Except that Howard’s machine is running windows 98. It doesn’t have drivers to run the USB stick that I tried to use. It doesn’t even know what to do with a downloaded file with the extension .zip. So I have a machine that runs all the software beautifully, but which can’t connect to the internet. I have a second machine which connects just fine, but I’m unable to get software onto.

At this point some of you tech folk are probably brimming with options and suggestions. Many of them would be useful and help me sort out this problem. But the key here is: I don’t want to deal with this problem. Troubleshooting hardware and software is not something I enjoy. It is not something I am good at. I’ve spent ALL DAY and I haven’t even begun the critical task which is processing credit card transactions that took place two days ago. Give me an accounting problem please, not this mess of old hardware and software. I can figure out hardware and software, but I believe that those things should just work without me having to think about them. Yet another reason that I’ll be buying a Mac if I ever have enough money to buy myself a laptop.

I have no clue how to fix the computer which claims the network cable is unplugged when the cable is clearly attached. But I think that I can solve the issues with the other machine by upgrading it to windows xp. Unfortunately I have get a copy which will either cost time or money. Then I have to install it. Then I have to install the point of sale programs. And then finally I will be able to actually do what needs to be done. Maybe. If it all works right.

Until I can get it done it looms. Looming things are stress provoking.

Today I had to haul Gleek out of a church meeting. She was working herself into a tantrum because she’d forgotten her colored pencils at home. It was one of many irritations that took place in the morning. I took Gleek and shut both of us in an empty classroom where we both cried a little until we felt better. Then we went back for the rest of the meeting. I helped my kids give talks in their primary meeting. Then I sat through the adult lessons.

After church was still feeling grumpy and sad and stressed. I followed Patches home which is never a quick process because he has to walk carefully on all the curbs and climb this one special rock and jump off of it. These things can not be skipped nor hurried. If they are not done right, they must be done again.

Our home teacher stopped by for his monthly visit about an hour after church. I was not thrilled when he made the appointment. I much prefer having home teachers over when Howard is here because Howard can talk to anybody. I don’t like awkward silences with people I don’t know well. I think I’ve gotten better at building conversations because the home teacher was here for 40 minutes and there wasn’t a single awkward silence. And it wasn’t because I babbled. Instead I asked good questions that led him to tell me about the surveyor work that he does. It was really interesting and he volunteered to show some of it to my Webelos den sometime. I felt much better after he left.

I spent some time watching About A boy. I really enjoyed the movie. It is not what I expected and I came away feeling happier.

Later this evening was the church potluck dinner. The people who usually host it were gone, so our cul de sac was in charge instead. Our yards are not nearly as beautiful, but I think the potluck went well anyway. I know it was exactly what I needed. I needed a chance to talk to other people and feel like I’m not alone in the challenges I face. It was wonderful to talk and laugh with grown ups.

All of this ties together with the theme from About A Boy: no man is an island. We find the solutions to our problems by helping solve the problems of others. It is our connectedness that heals us and gives us strength to go on. This morning I was miserable because Howard is gone and I felt alone. This evening Howard is still gone, but I feel much happier because I spent time connecting with other good people who face the same sorts of challenges that I face. I was able to suggest things that might help them. They made suggestions that might help me. I’m so happy to have a web of connections in this neighborhood.

I still miss Howard though.

Howard has been gone for nearly a week now. As I expected, I read a lot and watched far more movies than usual. They are all ways to pass the time, to fill the empty spaces that are usually spent interacting with Howard. But I can only read so much and watch so many films before my brain says “enough.” Then I want people to talk to. I hit that wall around noon today. I thought about calling people just to talk. I have many people who would happily chat and keep me company for awhile. But the person I really want to talk to is too busy. He’s working all day every day in a crowded convention center. When he does call the conversations are frustratingly short. He has so many more stories than he’s had time to tell me. I have dozens of small things to tell him. If we could spend hours on the phone we might say it all, but he needs to sleep or he won’t survive the weekend.

I miss him. Our anniversary is next week. 14 years married and I still love it when he calls to talk. We still stay up late because there are too many things to say. Not often, but sometimes. You’d think we’d run out of stories to tell, but we just keep making new ones or finding previously unshared pockets of memory. He’ll be home on Monday. I can hardly wait.

Last night I went to bed vowing that I would get things done on the morrow. Amazingly I remembered the vow this morning and still felt compelled to complete it. So I informed all of the kids that the TV would stay off until the family room was cleaned and vacuumed. Then I went out and mowed the jungle that was my lawn. 2 hours later I came in hot and tired to discover that while my kids did obey my instructions, they did it by playing quietly sans video games rather than by cleaning up the family room. I expected that. Eventually some one would care enough about playing a game that they’d actually clean.

Kiki folded first. She has been playing Ocarina of Time and wanted to continue her game. However there was a small problem. She isn’t the one that makes a mess in the family room. I tried to convince her that we all have to contribute to the cleanliness of the house that we share, but she could not bring herself to clean up a mess that she did not help make. She and I spent a good 20 minutes negotiating. I explained that holding the TV hostage was the only way I had to make sure that the work actually got done. I did that because I was not excited about cleaning up someone else’s mess either. I was in fact trying to accomplish the same thing that she was. I was trying to make the people who created the mess participate in cleaning up the mess. Kiki was ready to have me haul all the other kids in and make them clean right away. I knew how that would turn out. I would haul them protesting away from their games and friends. They would then lay on the floor whining while Kiki and I cleaned up the room. There would be yelling and frustration. In the end the people who cared about the mess (Kiki and I) would be the ones who did most of the work. I tried to convince her that it would be better if we just did it without the accompaniment of whining children. She conceeded that this was how this kind of event usually went, but persisted in feeling that she shouldn’t be the only one to help clean up the mess when she didn’t make any of it.

She sugguested bribing the kids with treats which led to a discussion about how I can’t leave the house to go get treats because we have friends over. She then suggested making cookies. I pointed out that before we could make cookies we would have to clean up the kitchen. Her next suggestion was that we invite my friend Janci over. Her thought was that Janci could clean my kitchen while she and I work on the family room. Then we could make cookies. Even as she said it I could see her realize that this was not an appropriate way to treat a friend. However the discussion of kitchen things did lead us to the final solution.

Kiki agreed to empty and reload the dishwasher. When she finished, she is allowed to turn on the TV to play her game. However none of the other kids are allowed to watch the game until the family room is cleaned up. If the other kids try to watch the game, Kiki will pause while they clean up the room or until they leave the room to do something else. Kiki is not allowed to get angry or upset if one of the other kids forces her to pause the game. I have to make sure that the other kids either work fast to clean or leave the room quickly, thus minimizing the necessary pause. Since the kids all enjoy watching Kiki play, this still gives me a motivator for getting the family room clean. And I got a clean kitchen out of the deal too. Everybody wins.

But I think the biggest win for me was talking with Kiki during the negotiations. I was able to help her see some of the reasons why I handle the younger kids the way that I do. This is good, because lately Kiki has been acting as a policeman over the behaviors of some of the other kids. This is occasionally frustrating for me because she’ll be insisting that I enforce something when I can clearly see that enforcement will cause more problems than it will solve. I get frustrated because I don’t want to cause more problems and because I can see that she is right and rules should either be rules all the time or not rules at all.

Anyway. My lawn is mowed. My kitchen is clean. And my family room will likely get cleaned before the day is over. I’m thinking that I’ve fulfilled my vow. Now if I could just get rid of this headache.

I’ve had reasonable amount of exposure to speculative universes which contain vampires. I’ve read Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I’ve watched the Bela Lugosi movies. I’ve watched the more recent versions. I’ve seen the play. I’ve watched all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all five seasons of Angel. I’ve read Interview with a Vampire. I’ve watched Underworld and Nosferatu and Blade. I’ve read Kitty and the Midnight Hour and Kitty goes to Washington.

The universes where vampires are monsters to be fought by humans do not upset me. The universes which glorify sex, blood, and violence, tangling them all up together, repulse me. It is the universes that portray vampires as sometimes unwilling monsters, redeemable monsters, that both fascinate me and make me uneasy. Perhaps that uneasiness is a good thing because it means I have been drawn out of my comfort zone and I must analyze my reactions. But I consistently feel that while these vampire universes are interesting places to visit, it would not be good for me to allow them to capture my imagination. They should not be where I allow my mind to dwell.

I worry about the effect the portrayal of repentant vampires can have on young girls who are forming their picture of the ideal man. A vampire who turns away from his monster nature is indeed doing a noble thing but invariably the monster appears and menaces the love interest. That hint of danger is part of the appeal of the vampire hero. He could be bad, but chooses not to be. Unfortunately in the real world the men who radiate that “could be dangerous” vibe tend to actually be dangerous. Abusive men are generally very repentant, until the next time.

But my unease with vampire universes is more central that a concern over vampires-as-heroes. It has to do with the fact that people are made into monsters by the choices of others. Then once they have become monsters, there is no redemption. I am a big believer in personal choice. Most of us are where we are because of choices we have made. I want to believe that all of us are reaping the consequences of our own choices, but that is not true. Some people are reaping the consequences of choices made by someone else. For them the plight of the vampire has great resonance because they have landed in a horrible place that they did not choose and have to learn to live with it. They have to strive to make the best of what they have. But see I am also a big believer in redemption. I believe there are few acts which can not be redeemed and all of them are choices you make, not choices that someone else makes for you. I want to believe this is completely true. I want to believe that we can always make the world right again despite what other people may choose to do. I do believe that on an eternal timescale this is completely true, but for here and now, it isn’t. If I accidently strike a pedestrian and cripple him, I can only do so much to make it right again. It is this fact that Vampire universes force me to face. Sometimes people are landed in deep unscalable holes by other people. I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all.

Fortunately I don’t live in a vampire universe. Instead I live in this one where I do all I can to make sure that my choices make the world a better place instead of a worse one. I try to convince others to do the same. And I have faith that all the unfairnesses that I am unable to correct will be balanced and made better hereafter.

Early this summer my friend Janci and I hatched a plan to take my kids to see some sights in downtown Salt Lake. We both loved the idea. Today was the day. As today drew closer my enthusiasm waned a little as I started thinking about the practicalities of finding parking and herding children in a city which is only vaguely familiar. I’ve been to Salt Lake often in my life, but I’m not usually the one doing the driving or parking.

An outing for my kids to see sites of interest is not about me enjoying the trip. I did get snatches of enjoyment, but mostly I spent the whole trip making sure that it worked for everyone else. I succeeded. Everyone declared that they had a good time. This kids now have a whole pile of new things to think about. Although the highlight for them was not Temple Square or the LDS Conference center. The thing that they loved was the fountain at the Gateway mall where they were allowed to run through shooting streams of water and get soaking wet. Unfortunately I was not at my best for the trip home. I was hot, and tired, and hungry, and grumpy because I went to go get the car while Janci and Drew watched the kids. It was much easier than requiring cranky children to march 8 blocks back to where the car was parked.

We took a tour of the LDS Conference Center, which is an amazing building. There was much to see and admire. I’d like to go back sometime when I don’t have to spend the whole time telling Gleek and Patches to slow down or hurry up or stop climbing on that. They were drawn like little metal filings to the magnet of water. Every drinking fountain had to be sampled. Every fountain had to be touched. Once we got to the rooftop gardens, Gleek was up to her elbows in any water she could find. Our poor tour guide wasn’t sure what to do with us. We all wanted to scatter and look at different things. She wanted us to stand politely near her and hear her rehearsed spiel. Oh well. Mostly I figure I’m running my kids through these historical places so that when they encounter them again at a more receptive age, they’ll greet them with some familiarity. I love Temple Square now because I have layer upon layer of visits to remember. For many of those visits I was the child running pell-mell through the building and complaining that my legs were tired.

I would have loved to walk slowly and admire the art and architecture. Instead I tried to make sure that the kids didn’t break any of it or alarm other people by jumping off of it. Some day I will leave my children with someone else and I’ll go tour Temple Square by myself so that I can admire without having to bend to some one else’s priorities. At least the kids did show reverence in the Conference Hall and in the Temple Square visitor’s center Christus room. Those places seem to draw reverence out of people. Even Gleek walked in there rather than skipping. At least for a moment anyway.

The Gateway mall was the right place to end the trip. It was a long walk for the kids, but the fountain at the end was worth it. I left them there to play under the watchful eyes of Janci and Drew, while I went to get lunch. Then again when I went to retrieve the car. They had a blast and were soaking wet by the time I picked them all up. Gleek was even screaming at the top of her lungs at being prevented from running through the fountain again. Fortunately Janci had the situation thoroughly under control and seemed unruffled at Gleek’s display. It is nice to have friends who know how to deal with my kids.

The trip back to the van was more adventuresome than I wanted, but it underscored to me how kind people can be. I arrived back at the van to discover that we’d left the sliding door wide open. I’d been gone for hours and not a thing was missing from the vehicle. I pulled out and realized that despite the many signs declaring that I either needed cash or a token to get out of the garage, I had neither. My car was hostage. Drew and Janci both had cash, but I’d left them with the kids. I parked again and went in search of an ATM. The reason I needed cash was because the parking garage is under the LDS Conference center. There would be no ATM on church property. The nearest ATM was probably at the ZCMI center two blocks away. I’d just walked 8 blocks. I was not excited about walking more and being late. I was also berating myself for being dumb enough to be in this position. I exited the parking garage elevator and passed a kind looking lady in the hall. She was wearing a badge, so I asked her if she knew where the closest place to get cash was. She gave me a look and beckoned me to follow her. As we walked she said “I wouldn’t do this for just anyone, but I have a token you can have.” She led me through a door to where her car was parked and gave me the token. She did not have to give me the token. I have no idea why she decided I wasn’t “just anyone.” She could have just confirmed that the mall was the best place. Instead she gave me a little bit of her time and kindness. To her the token itself meant nothing. She works there and gets them for free. To me that token meant $10 not spent on parking and 20 minutes not spent in a tiring search for an ATM machine. I thanked her with tears in my eyes. My thanks were more for the kindness than the token.

I can still picture that token lying in my hand. It was a small golden coin which had no value for anything but release from the garage. I wish I could have kept it to remind me that people can be kind to strangers for no reason at all. Of course I couldn’t. I had to surrender the token to escape from the garage. The gift of a garage token did not save my life, nor change my life. It was not a dramatic event. It was just a small thing that made my day better. I have received a random act of kindness. Now it is my turn to do the same sort of thing for someone else. I can’t just do it once and consider my obligation paid, all debts incur interest. If we all pay out more kindness than we receive the world becomes that much better for us all.

Today I am angry and frustrated because of decisions that someone else made. This means that I am angry at the pair of people who made the decisions. I am not a keeper of grudges. I believe that harboring anger will only hurt me without helping situations at all. This is particularly true since I know that there was no intent to harm. But this does not prevent me from getting angry, it just means that there is a process that I have to work through so that I can let go of the anger and forgive.

Step one is to minimize the damage. For this particular instance, I’m still working on this. I won’t know until next week exactly how much damage was done to me and mine. Right now I’m doing all in my power to make sure the damage is as small as possible. Hopefully the only damage will be additional stress that my family had to cope with. Part of minimizing damage is to not communicate with the people in question. I also need to not spill all the details and names in a place where they can be hurt by it. There will be a time later to talk, but I need to not be actively angry.

Step two is to assess the situation. Here I assess how much damage was done and how that affects other things. I have to decide whether I believe that the incident was a single unfortunate event or indicative of a larger pattern that needs to be addressed. I decide whether preserving a relationship with the people is important. Sometimes the best solution is to drop the relationship. If the person is someone I have to deal with on a long term basis (family, or coworker, or neighbor) then the option to abandon the relationship is absent or very complicated. In that case I have to decide how to speak to the person about the issue. Hopefully the problem can be resolved and will never happen again. If the issue can not be permanently resolved, then I have to take action to minimize or negate future damage should the same problem re-occur. The key here is that I take time to look at the situation from all angles before taking actions.

Step three is to actually put into action the plans I made in step two.

Hopefully somewhere in the process I can let go of the anger and forgive. Contrition from the other party really helps with that, but isn’t critical. It is possible to let the anger go even if the other people are unrepentant.

Note: I always read this kind of entry and wonder “was it me that made her mad?” If you are asking that question it isn’t you. I don’t believe the people in question read my journal. If you have ever commented here, it isn’t you. If you have never met me in person it isn’t you. If you see me regularly, it isn’t you. If you’re still wondering, you can email me username at livejournal.com and I’ll tell you that it isn’t you.

The closet in the boy’s room is full of shevles. This is a good thing because my boys have lots of space to store their stuff. Unfortunately Link and Patches’ idea of cleaning up is to shove everything onto the shelves at random. If something falls off the shelf, they shrug and walk away. If I catch them doing this, they’ll pick the toy up and shove it back on in a slightly different location. We had reached the point where the shelves were shoved so full of precarious piles that adding anything created an avalanche. It was time to clean.

I decided to clean without the help of my boys. In theory the ideal way to do this would be to make them help me sort and teach them how to decide what needs to go. That would be a good thing to do, but I really did not want to spend hours arguing over keeping scraps of paper. I grabbed a garbage bag and started to clean when they were not paying attention. I started by scraping everything off the shelves into a gigantic pile in the middle of the room. It took me two days to sort through that pile. I threw out broken toys. I accumulated a pile of toys to give to thrift stores. These were the toys that never get played with. They just get scattered when the kids are looking for something else. I threw out scraps of paper and old school worksheets. I am confident that neither boy will ever miss any of the things I got rid of. I sorted pieces of games so that they are back together and playable. I put sets of toys together. I placed everything neatly on the shelves so that the boys can find the things that they want.

Link came in when I was part way through this process. He was delighted to be able to find all of the pieces to toys in the same locations. He thanked me several times for the cleaning work I had done. I’m glad he was so happy. I was a little worried that he’d freak out because I went through his stuff. But apparently being able to find toys to play with is worth the risk that Mom might have gotten rid of something.

Patches is also pleased at the new state of his room. Now hopefully we can teach the boys that “Put it away” doesn’t mean “Shove it on a shelf at random.”