Impending Fall
A couple of days ago Howard declared his readiness for summer to be over. He is tired of hot and would like to have some cooler weather. I would also like to have the weather cool down a bit, but I don’t know that I am ready for Fall to arrive.
Fall means the kids going back to school. The past two years have been tough school years and I am drained. Theoretically this on will be easier, but my subconscious won’t believe that until it is an established fact. Kiki starts junior high this year and I can’t believe that transition will be entirely smooth. Link is going into 4th grade, which tends to be a tough year for kids. It is particularly tough for kids who sometimes struggle academically. Gleek is going into first grade. She had so much trouble adapting to Kindergarten and first grade is so different. In hindsight part of Gleek’s struggles with Kindergarten were due to a less-than-stellar teacher. I hope she gets a good teacher this year. Patches will have his first experiences with preschool. I hope that he loves it. It is never fun to try to detach a young child that is barnacled to my leg.
Fall also means a return to a schedule that I do not control completely. This is probably good news considering the shambles of my intended summer schedule. I look forward to more schedule so that my days can regain a rhythm. I look forward to regular times when I’ll have a reduced number of kids in my care.
Fall means cooler weather and longer nights. I like Fall weather. I like changing colors and falling leaves. But I can not forget that Fall is followed by the hard cold gray winter. I fear winter. I’m not entirely sure why I fear winter. I’m not afraid of cold. I like snow. But there is never enough bright sunlight. Last winter I consciously did some things to alleviate winter blues. They helped and I got through. I’ll do the same thing this year. I feel like I’ve talked myself into having Seasonal Affective Disorder. In my case it can’t qualify as a disorder because it does not interfere with things I want to do. Yes I had a really bad winter in 1999. Yes I’ve had a dip in my moods every winter ever since. Shouldn’t I be over this by now? I’ve done piles of emotional purging and sorting and examining. All of that is supposed to make it better. And yet I can not deny that I feel dread at the thought of oncoming winter. I dread Fall because winter follows it. As hot and miserable as the weather has been lately, a piece of me wants to stay right here because it is as far from winter as I can get. (Staying in Spring would be even better, but apparently that isn’t allowed either.)
Hmm. All of these things have been lurking in the shadows at the back of my brain. Pulling them out here into the light where I can look at them makes me much more comfortable with the impending Fall. Four weeks of summer schedule left.