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I sat snuggled on the couch with Gleek and Patch on either side while Maria twirled on the screen singing about the hills. My eyes filled with tears as my ears filled with the familiar tunes. Some movies only get better with age. We watched the whole film together. Kiki and Link watched too. I saw the film anew through the eyes of my children. I watched Maria dance and play on the screen and realized that I’ve done far too little playing lately. I heard the nuns singing about the problems with Maria and I glanced over at Gleek, who is perfectly described by the song as well. I leaned over and whispered to the kids about Germany and Austria and what “Anschluss” meant. After the movie was over we all sat around and discussed what parts of the movie were true and which were made up. We talked about Hitler, and Nazis, and why they were bad. The next day Kiki watched the movie again on my mini player. She was drawn to the songs, wanting to learn them so that she could sing them. For me the songs tapped into a well of memory. I sang them over and over again during my childhood years. I sang them with my sisters in harmony. I sang them to our pet duck, who was a surprisingly attentive music audience. I sang them on swings and in parks. Now I want to sing them all again. I want to take all the kids on a picnic and run around laughing and singing. After some thought I realized it is not merely the music that draws me, it is the joy. Despite taking place in dark times, The Sound of Music is a joyful film. The joy is what I long to have, whether or not it is accompanied by singing. I can consciously create that joy by loving my life for the good in it no matter what other circumstances there may be.

The movie had to go back to Netflix. This is all right. I can rent it again sometime. The memories it brought back and the new memories made, I get to keep forever.

This Summer has been an odd mix of wonderful relaxation and too much to do. It is rather like swimming in a reservoir where there are pockets of hot and cold water. Today things are running hot. My head is full of a hundred things. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like a tiny fish in a publishing world that is populated by whales. Only this little fish has 1889 books stashed in her garage that she needs to sell. There are many possible pathways to take, but they all involve me getting out there in the deep water with those big fishes. It is scary.

More worrisome, is how much of my brain space is being taken up by book promotion. This is Summer. The kids are home. I should be planning outings with them, helping them keep reading, taking them to the library. Instead I have been throwing food in front of them and then dashing back to my office to get work done. I need to slow it down. I need to take more time for family things, but I am afraid to. I am afraid that if I don’t keep scrambling, the publishing will fail.

Ah. There is the problem. I am being driven by fear. It is not that I lack for time, it is that fear pushes business to invade the spaces that are for family. So what am I afraid of? Failure. I am afraid that I won’t be able to fulfill the commitments I made to Angela. I’m afraid that she will be disappointed about the performance of the project. I’m afraid that my project will languish and I will have to face the fact that it was a vanity project rather than something saleable. Are these fears realistic? Somewhat, but running is circles today is not going to prevent any of the fears from being realized. What will keep the fears from being true is if I put forth a steady consistent effort. If I can just keep going, keep blogging, keep promoting, then it will all work.

If I can banish the fear, have a little faith in myself and in the quality of the project, then I can stretch out and enjoy this summer while it is here. It will be gone all too soon. Then there will be Fall with its imposed schedules and demands. To paraphrase Ferris Bueller: My life seems to rush by me lately. I need to stop and look around more often. I don’t want to miss it.

My books arrived this morning. 40 boxes of books containing 50 books each. They arrived on two pallets. My first thought was how small the shipment looked compared to the 5 pallet, 5000 book shipments we get for Schlock books. I spent the rest of the afternoon packing orders. They’re all done and will go out in tomorrow’s mail. The task for tomorrow is for me to relocate the rest of the books so that Howard can park in the garage again. I also need to put in motion the marketing ideas which were waiting on me having books in hand.

For now I am tired.

Last Thursday morning Howard left for Inconjunction. Later that morning I got an email from our printer. The interior file for Teraport Wars was somehow corrupt and they were unable to open it. File management is Howard’s job. He is the one who does all the uploading and compressing. Howard was away at a convention with no access to the files. He could not help me. Moreover, Howard was being relaxed and happy after the completion of the book. I saw no reason to hand him stress that he had no way of resolving. I firmly suppressed the voices of panic in my head and set about learning how to compress and re-upload the necessary file. It took me two hours to figure out how to do it. Then the upload took 5 hours. It was all done just before quitting time on Thursday. My contact at the printer sent me a note thanking me for the upload, assuring me that she would check it Monday morning, and wishing me a great holiday weekend. This was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that the file had arrived and everything was fine now. I had done everything I could do, I just had to wait until Monday to see if I’d done it all correctly. I decided not to tell Howard about the file problem until I heard from my contact at the printer. Once I heard from her, I could tell him with relief that the problem was solved, or I could share the stress and we would tackle the problem together. Decision made, I put it all out of my mind and focused on enjoying the holiday.

That phrase “put it all out of my mind” is not quite accurate though. The fear and worry did not really leave. Instead it leaked. Sunday, I found myself on the phone with Howard fretting over finding someone to take care of our kids while we’re at Worldcon. Even while I was worrying over the phone, part of me wondered why this felt like a dire emergency when the convention is a month away. I also wondered why I was bothering Howard about it when he would be home soon and we could talk in person.

Then Howard was home. He was in serious decompress mode. I hang around and listen when Howard is in decompression. It is my best chance to hear stories about the convention and to take notes about business actions on which I’ll need to follow through. I’d found a semi-solution to the childcare issue, but Howard was too tired to really address it and so I put it aside.

This morning I finally made the connection and realized that I’d been so worried about childcare because of suppressed fear about the book. I really wanted to tell Howard about it all, but I still had not heard from my print contact. Around 10 am I emailed her a short query. 20 minutes later she responded. All was well. The file worked and the project was moving forward as expected. I immediately went to Howard and gushed relief at him. It was like a geyser of fear and worry spouted into the air and blew away on the breeze. It was only after the fear was gone that I could really see how huge it had been and how much it affected everything else. I was left feeling post-adrenaline shaky. Next I need to reassess all the thoughts and feelings I had about childcare over the weekend. All of my reasoning skills were skewed from the suppressed fear. I should be able to take a clearer look at things now.

The invasion of fruit into our diet has not exactly come to a grinding halt, but the final week of editing combined with the shift into no external schedule has dealt the habit a severe blow. I intend to reinforce the healthy eating by buying a condiments on ice tray from Amazon.com. Hopefully that will help us keep healthy snacks in sight where we’re more likely to eat them.

The daily schedule is very skewampus right now. This is normal around the Fourth of July holiday. All the late night revelry plays merry havoc with the schedule every year. Come Monday I’ll be trying to put things back to normal, get kids into bed before 9:30 and get them up before 11 am. I also need to schedule time to do cool stuff with the kids. I recently read the autobiography of Diana Wynne Jones who had a sorely neglected childhood and I’m feeling a need to make sure that my kids never find me so absorbed with business projects that I don’t pay attention to them. Next summer we need to have a real family vacation where we all go someplace together just for the fun of it. The last few years have been too full of convention travel and too short on funds to consider such a thing.

Fireworks with the neighbors went well. I was once again reminded how much I love my neighborhood. Last night was a spontaneous neighborhood party. No one was assigned to bring anything, but there were enough sodas, cupcakes, cookies, and glow sticks for 50 people. This was good since that’s about how many people showed up. The teenagers all lit the fireworks in the street while adults and younger kids sat on lawns to watch the show. It was fun, but there was almost too much going on for it to be relaxing for me. I liked it better when the kids and I re-located to our cul-de-sac where a quieter party was taking place. The kids ran around with their friends throwing bang-snaps and frisbees until after 11 pm. I got to sit and visit with neighbors. It was really nice.

We got our first small batch of Schlock Mercenary magnets. I’ve figured out the packing process for them and I’ve printed all the necessary postage. This means I’ll be ready to get to work when the rest of the magnets arrive next week. Next week will also contain the arrival of the Hold on to Your Horses books. That triggers more shipping work and also some marketing work. Several people have handed me some very exciting leads on marketing the books and I need to follow up on them all.

Last May I instituted a mandatory hour of outside time. That hour has become somewhat optional of late. I need to get back to doing it because I’m happier when I get outside, also my garden is happier when I spend time beating back the weeds. It is hard to want to work in the garden with the weather so hot. This ties in with the schedule some. If I would just get up earlier in the morning, I could be outside while the weather is still cooler.

Approximately eight months ago, Howard asked if it was okay for him to schedule a convention appearance over the 4th of July weekend. I assured him it would be just fine. I would just pack up the kids and go spend the holiday with relatives in Idaho. Unfortunately I neglected to schedule with my relatives. When I called last week, I discovered that they were headed out of town themselves. I was left with a holiday weekend devoid of plans. At first the thought of having to fill the void was rather depressing. I need not have worried. The city of Provo contrived to provide me with a selection of Freedom Festival events from which I could choose.

Last night I asked the kids what they wanted to do with the holiday. There was some discussion, but in the end the kids decided they would rather light off fireworks at home than go watch one of the big displays. Gleek really wanted to watch the hot air balloon launch, but no one else wanted to get up that early. So at 5:30 am I went to wake up Gleek. I only had to whisper the words “balloon launch” and she was wide-eyed awake. I tucked Patches into bed with Kiki so that she could help him if he woke up. He didn’t. All the kids were still asleep when Gleek and I returned home.

It is really fun to go places with just one child. I don’t have to be a negotiator or a diplomat. I can just follow along, led by the whims of the child. I am free to enjoy the enthusiasm without making sure it does not interfere with that of another child. Gleek chattered to me all during the drive. She noticed the sounds of crickets and birds. She commented on how empty the roads were. She scanned ahead and tried to guess whether we would make it through the next light before it turned red. She asked how many turns we would make before we got to the balloons. We arrived at the McDonald’s next to the balloon field in plenty of time to have breakfast. Fast food is not my favorite way to start the morning, but Gleek loved it. Then we went out onto the field.

Balloon crews were scattered all over the field with their balloons stretched out flat. The public is invited to mingle around the balloons and ask questions. Soon the fans started running, blowing air into the balloons. Gleek ran close and reached out to touch the light weight fabric. It was fascinating to look inside the behemoth balloons. Part of me wanted to walk inside one so that I could be surrounded by the balloon chamber. I didn’t, of course. Walking on the balloons risked damaging them. I would not want to damage something so wonderful. Next came the flames. Fire roared into the balloons, heating the air. The balloons rose quickly to an upright position. It was impressive to see something so large float in the air.

Gleek loved watching the balloons stand up. So she dashed from balloon to balloon watching each of them rise. I wended my way through the crowds more slowly, but I managed to keep her in sight. Then the launch began and the balloons started taking to the air. Gleek turned in circles, monitoring all of the balloons at once. She didn’t want to miss a single ascent. There were plenty for her to watch, there were 15-20 balloons in the launch.

On the way home tiredness set in. We stopped at the grocery store, and Gleek was content to ride in the shopping cart. When we got back home, both of us curled up on couches and went back to sleep. We’re going to keep the afternoon quiet, but this evening we’ll collect some friends and neighbors so that we can light off fireworks. Perhaps tomorrow we’ll hit the Festival itself if I think I have the energy to keep track of four kids in a huge crowd.

The interior of my house has developed a fine coating of sand. Because the sand is so fine, you can’t really see that is there, but you can feel that the surfaces are gritty. I walk around barefoot in my house and the gritty feeling gets to me, so I’ve been sweeping several times per day. The extra sweeping is not a bad thing since my former habit was to sweep far less often than I should have done. All of this sand is transported into my house via the kids who are loving the new sandbox sand. They spent the majority of yesterday and today out digging and castle building. This means that I’ve traded some extra sweeping for hours of peace and quiet. It is a good trade. As Howard said “I’ll take dirty kids over bored ones, any day.”

Mid-afternoon, the kids traded sand for water. Several of them ran inside for swimsuits. It was only after they were all completely soaked that I noticed Patch was not wearing his swimsuit. He was in fact, still in his pajamas. I didn’t see much point in getting two sets of clothing wet, so he frolicked in the pajamas. The backyard neighbor’s hose and our hose were both hooked up to various water squirting appliances and the kids ran back and forth getting wet by various methods. At one point they took turns spraying each other with our adjustable spray nozzle. Mist, six kids draw close to feel the gentle spray. Then with a cackle, the child holding the hose changes the nozzle to “Jet.” Children scatter as they flee from the stream of water. This was repeated over and over. Mist, jet, mist, jet, only occasionally there were ventures into the possibilities of shower, and flat.

When I declared water time to be over because I needed them to dry off, they returned to the sandbox. This dried them off quickly by adhering a layer of sand all over their wet bodies and clothes. Dusting them off to bring them inside was interesting. I made them all have an inside hour before I hauled them off to a picnic dinner with their Tayler cousins. In all, I think the kids only spent a couple of hours inside today. It is only thanks to our shady yard that not one of them burned.

Sand, water, and sun; almost like a day at the beach.