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I recently posted a pair of comments in my sister’s livejournal that I’d like to have in my own for reference. Also I think some of you might find them useful/interesting.

My Potty Training Theory:
The first thing about potty training that many people don’t realize is that it
isn’t a single skill. Self toileting is a whole raft of skills that must each be mastered individually:

terminology- understanding the words to describe the experience.
being able to undress by yourself
being able to redress by yourself
how to sit on toilet/potty chair
recognizing the need to pee
witholding the pee until on the toilet
relaxing and letting the pee go
regognizing the need to poop
witholding the poop until on the
toilet
relaxing and letting the poop go
prioritizing potty above this
interesting toy
wiping
flushing
handwashing

There may be skills I’ve forgotten to list. The point is that expecting a child to master all of those skills at once is a bit much. To me, a child is not really fully potty trained until they are able to do all those things by themselves and I am completely uninvolved with their potty-process. Gleek is still working on some of these skills (mostly wiping, flushing, handwashing, and not needing company) and she is 4. Most kids will not fully master the whole list until around 5.

I’ve said that I’m not working on potty training with Patches, but I guess that isn’t true. Right now we’re working on terminology and on the concept that “big boys poop in the toilet.” Probably the next thing will be undressing, but I’m in no hurry. Potty training should be a learning adventure in which mommy and child are exploring and mastering skills together. If the toilet becomes a battlefield no one wins.

What has happened with 2 out of 3 kids so far is that I work on skills and then I decide it’s time and I make a big push toward skill mastery. The charts and underpants work for awhile, then it all falls apart and I get tired of cleaning carpets. At that point I put diapers back on and gave up. In both cases about 6 months later I glanced up and the child had decided to potty and wear underpants all by themselves. With my encouragement they never went back to diapers or pull ups again. So my plan for this time around is to teach and work on skills then let them go for a bit, then work for a bit then let it go. Two steps forward, one step back, we’ll get there eventually.

My discipline Theory:

There are two ways to stop an unwanted behavior.

The first is to remove the motivation that drives it. For me this is the prefered method, it usually stops the behavior almost instantly and the behavior stays stopped as long as the motivation is gone. Identifying the motivation can be tricky at times and unfortunately sometimes the motivating factor is irremovable. A parent can’t stop flinching when things are thrown at them and a child’s desire for amusment/attention is fulfilled by the flinching. Finding other sources for amusement/attention will definitely help this behavior.

The second method is to attach a consequence to the behavior. The consequence needs to be applied very consistently so that it ALWAYS follows the behavior and the child knows that it will. And the consequence needs to be significant to the CHILD. Knowing the motivation behind a behavior is important in choosing a consequence so that you don’t unintentionally reinforce behavior you want to disappear. If attention seeking behavior is given a consequence which requires lots of attention (like sitting on a chair), then you’ve reinforced the behavior rather than extinguishing it. Also the consequence needs to not punish mommy. If applying the consequence is too unpleasant for you, you’ll put up with the behavior rather than enforce the consequence.

Finding a balance is sometimes tricky. I found it a
particular challenge with Gleek because it was so hard to find a consequence
which actually mattered to her. I had to resort to spanking during her toddler
years because there was no other way to extinguish some of the dangerous
behaviors she was prone to. Fortunately now that she is older there are more
consequences that work for her and we’ve found better solutions.

All that rambling aside, it sounds to me like you actually have a really good action plan in place. You just need to stay consistent with it long enough for Alex to make connections in his head. Toddlers have poor impulse control and few reasoning skills, so much of their training has to be very pavlovian in nature.

One month ago today I declared a New World Order at the Tayler House. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/sandratayler/58783.html) I thought it would be appropriate to examine how well I’ve done at maintaining it.

1. I’ve been better about requiring kids to do their morning things and one chore, but not consistent every day.

2. I’ve been much better about not doing kids work for them. It means “Saturday Morning Work” usually takes most of the day, but at least I’m not the one doing all the work. Kiki took 6 hours to fold a basket full of laundry and moaned about it the whole time, but she did it without any help and the next time I bet it won’t take as long and there will be less moaning.

3. Kitchen helpers have been more missed than hit. I have been grabbing kids and asking for help more often, but not requiring focused effort from a single child on a particular night. I still feel like this is a good idea, but I may need to re-assign the nights because of some schedule shifts.

4. Quiet time went really well for a few days, then Patches started being resistant and everyone got sick so I gave up. I need to give it another try because I really think it was working. I may need to limit Patches involvement to 5 minutes though because he is so young. Sometimes the best answer is to be patient until kids are older.

5. We’ve played the Tayler Family Game exactly once. Between illness and Howard’s scheudle and other random events we simply haven’t made time for it. Once we’ve weathered the Gwavaman event that has Howard buried I’ll see if I can’t make it happen.

So in all, not perfect, but not too bad either. I do feel like some things are more in my control. The point of the new world order is to make family life run more smoothly over the long haul, sometimes that means ignoring it for short periods of time and then reinstating it. Time for me to refocus myself yet again and make it happen.