The following is from Mental Tesserae “Why I Cry” I wish I’d written it. It is beautiful and so very true:
Sometimes the sameness of my life – the broken record that is my nagging voice, the dishes and clothes that never stay washed, the decisions about what to feed everyone that I make 3 times a day (which works out to 1095 times a year) – sometimes it’s the nothings and the everythings that overwhelm me.
I’m standing alone in a stairwell looking down at all the steps I’ve taken.I’ve married a great man, given birth to four wonderful children,accomplished a few impressive things along the way like collecting college degrees, running half-marathons, finishing some quilts. But some of those other steps below me represent regrets – the petty things I’ve said and done, the projects I’ve started but not finished, the many ways I’ve screwed up my kids (because God knows they’d still be perfect if it weren’t for the bad habits I’ve let them develop). And above me the stairs continue to ascend with mocking regularity. I rest my arm on the railing and prepare for the rest of the climb – the next step, next day, the next batch of laundry. But for now I pause in the light of the landing that is the present moment and I take a deep breath. And sometimes I cry just a bit.
The key word here is the very first one,”Sometimes.” There are other times when life is invigorating and interesting and joyful. But on the days when life is like a long flight of stairs, this is how I feel about it.
Man, that’s depressing. I don’t dare focus on my day-to-day life too much or that’s all I’ll see. I have to look at my daughter and how new everything is to her as she is new to the world as well. The way she constantly changes and grows is amazing. My boring life? Meh. Dishes and laundry and the daily grind at work. Can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when she’s moved on from our daily lives. Maybe that’s why so many old people look confused or stunned; they were young and had dreams and then today, they see that time and chance has passed on from them.
Man, that’s depressing. I don’t dare focus on my day-to-day life too much or that’s all I’ll see. I have to look at my daughter and how new everything is to her as she is new to the world as well. The way she constantly changes and grows is amazing. My boring life? Meh. Dishes and laundry and the daily grind at work. Can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when she’s moved on from our daily lives. Maybe that’s why so many old people look confused or stunned; they were young and had dreams and then today, they see that time and chance has passed on from them.
The key word here is the very first one,”Sometimes.” There are other times when life is invigorating and interesting and joyful. But on the days when life is like a long flight of stairs, this is how I feel about it.
The key word here is the very first one,”Sometimes.” There are other times when life is invigorating and interesting and joyful. But on the days when life is like a long flight of stairs, this is how I feel about it.
Ah yes. Sometimes. All to often I think. Change the feedings to 5 and 6 times a day and we’re getting closer! 😛
*sigh* As long as the crying is just a bit, I have my moment and start climbing again. And sometimes, just sometimes, I can look out at the view and realize where all this climbing has gotten me, and how much more I can see with every step that I take.
Ah yes. Sometimes. All to often I think. Change the feedings to 5 and 6 times a day and we’re getting closer! 😛
*sigh* As long as the crying is just a bit, I have my moment and start climbing again. And sometimes, just sometimes, I can look out at the view and realize where all this climbing has gotten me, and how much more I can see with every step that I take.
That is indeed beautiful.
That is indeed beautiful.
Funny how this post was ultra-confessional for me at the time and I almost didn’t publish it. Now I think it’s one of the only good things I’ve written just because it is so honest. I’m glad you appreciate it (or rather, I’m sad for you because it sounds like you are having a gloomy week — we ought to think up something fun to do to lift your spirits and get your mind off of leaky plumbing).
And just to clarify (although Sandra already knows this) I really don’t spend my days wallowing in the bleakness of my fate (because when I stop to count my blessings I’m blown away with how lucky I am) but sometimes I give in to the pathos of the moment and I need a good weep. Then I usually feel better, or at least I feel like I can take the next step…and the next…and the next…
–Julie
Funny how this post was ultra-confessional for me at the time and I almost didn’t publish it. Now I think it’s one of the only good things I’ve written just because it is so honest. I’m glad you appreciate it (or rather, I’m sad for you because it sounds like you are having a gloomy week — we ought to think up something fun to do to lift your spirits and get your mind off of leaky plumbing).
And just to clarify (although Sandra already knows this) I really don’t spend my days wallowing in the bleakness of my fate (because when I stop to count my blessings I’m blown away with how lucky I am) but sometimes I give in to the pathos of the moment and I need a good weep. Then I usually feel better, or at least I feel like I can take the next step…and the next…and the next…
–Julie