I was angry a lot during the past week. The schedule was tight and I felt a lot of pressure to keep everyone moving so nothing got missed. Children, even older kids like Kiki and Link, run on their own schedules. For kids examining the worm on the sidewalk is just as important as getting to school on time. They would dawdle and I would yell trying to usher us all from one activity to the next.
Today at church there was a lesson on anger. Mostly it was a class discussion on what anger is, what causes anger, and what we should do about it. I really needed the reminder that my anger is my responsibility. Anger is a red flag that something in my life is out of balance. I may not always be able to avoid getting angry, but when I do I should pay attention to what made me angry. In the calm after anger it is my responsibility to figure out what stresses in the situation triggered anger. Then it is my responsibility to try to restructure so that it doesn’t happen that way again.
There are environmental situations that contribute to anger. I am much more likely to be angry and irrational if I am tired. I get angry more easily of the house is a mess. If my surroundings are chaotic I frequently feel overwhelmed and anger comes more easily. There are preventative measures I can take against these things. It is not always possible to prevent all the triggers, but I need to prevent as many as I can as often as I can.
There are specific behaviors from my kids that always make me angry. For example me announcing bedtime and the kids either acting like I haven’t said anything or running away from me. The kids have free agency. I can not prevent them from choosing bedtime-avoidance behaviors. However, I can make sure that I announce bedtime in the least provocative way possible. Giving a five minute warning can make a world of difference. I can also choose a calm time to sit down with the kids and explain to them how frustrated and angry I feel when they ignore me or run away from me. They may still run away and I may still get angry, but at least then I will have done everything in my power to prevent the anger.
When I am angry I have a responsibility to channel my anger into acceptable paths. No matter how angry I am at the kids, I should never hit them to relieve my feelings. I do not think the kids understand how tempting it is to wallop a child who is defiant or oblivious. The anger swells inside me and a horrible voice in my head says that if I just hit them then they’d have to pay attention. That voice wants my kids to fear me when I’m angry. No matter how angry I am I can not let that voice dictate my actions. The same voice would settle for me calling my children hurtful names, but I should not do that either. Deliberately hurting another person does not solve the problem. It worsens the problem or creates a new one. No matter how angry I am, I have to remain in control of these voices in my head.
When I am angry what I must do is give myself the space to calm down. It is so hard to walk away from a situation that feels so urgent. Sometimes I can’t walk away, but if I can, I should. I always find better ways to manage situations when I’m not angry. Even if I can not physically walk away, I can still take a few deep breaths and try again for calm.
Even if I do everything perfectly. Even if I’ve had enough sleep and the house is clean and I’ve prediscussed things with my kids, there will still be things which will make me angry. I have to see the anger, identify the anger, do something about the anger, and then I have to let it go. This last is most important. One of the biggest triggers for angry outbursts is carrying around a load of unresolved anger. I do this a lot. I will be frustrated about a problem with my computer and then Patches will ask me for food. He then gets yelled at for making a reasonable request. I should never do that to my kids, but I do all the time.
During the lesson today my backyard neighbor offered the comment that she comes from a yelling family, but she is working hard to make sure that the yelling stops with her. She wants to control herself and find other ways to manage her kids than yelling. She then used me as an example of a person who manages kids without yelling. I was so flabbergasted by this that I laughed out loud. I feel like I yell at my kids all the time. I feel awful about doing it. She saw my laugh and said, “Sandra does better than she thinks she does.” It makes me feel good that she says that. It makes me feel humble. I don’t believe she’s right, but I hope that she is. I hope that I’m doing better at keeping my temper than my subjective observations would have me believe.
I have a responsibility to these young people who are mine to raise. I have to strive to be my best possible self at all times. Fortunately my kids seem possessed of a boundless supply of forgiveness. Each time after I’ve lost my temper, I go to them to offer an apology. Always I discover that they have already forgiven me even before I asked. I am humbled that they love me even when I’ve been awful.
So I begin this next week with resolve. I will be better this week than I was last week. I will be kinder, more patient, and less angry.
“Sandra does better than she thinks she does.”
This is true in every possible sense, not just about managing anger.
I have to strive to be my best possible self at all times.
And also remember that it is humanly impossible to actually achieve this. There’s a difference between striving to be your best possible self and actually expecting yourself to succeed at it. No one is their best possible self all the time. That’s why we’re all still here together in these mortal bodies. It’s okay to screw up.
“Sandra does better than she thinks she does.”
This is true in every possible sense, not just about managing anger.
I have to strive to be my best possible self at all times.
And also remember that it is humanly impossible to actually achieve this. There’s a difference between striving to be your best possible self and actually expecting yourself to succeed at it. No one is their best possible self all the time. That’s why we’re all still here together in these mortal bodies. It’s okay to screw up.
I can’t help with all of it, but at least for the bedtime thing, I highly suggest the use of a timer. A child cannot argue with a timer, they can’t persuade or annoy a timer – it just keeps ticking on. And when it rings, they go to bed.
It worked for my little sister when she was a kid, and it works for my almost 3 year old now.
I can’t help with all of it, but at least for the bedtime thing, I highly suggest the use of a timer. A child cannot argue with a timer, they can’t persuade or annoy a timer – it just keeps ticking on. And when it rings, they go to bed.
It worked for my little sister when she was a kid, and it works for my almost 3 year old now.
Missed seeing you at Penguicon, loved Howard’s cheese-chupa thing. I don’t know how to deal with it myself… signed up for a stress management thing at work, relaxation CDs and a coach… mindfulness is the most recent thing I’ve discovered, first try to be aware of what makes you angry and say “oh, ha, that’s it”. Was thinking about mindfulness a lot during Lent, funnily, too.
Of course then I got stressed out and angry today when some other company they’ve subcontracted to handle health management called, they keep calling and bugging me during the work day.
Missed seeing you at Penguicon, loved Howard’s cheese-chupa thing. I don’t know how to deal with it myself… signed up for a stress management thing at work, relaxation CDs and a coach… mindfulness is the most recent thing I’ve discovered, first try to be aware of what makes you angry and say “oh, ha, that’s it”. Was thinking about mindfulness a lot during Lent, funnily, too.
Of course then I got stressed out and angry today when some other company they’ve subcontracted to handle health management called, they keep calling and bugging me during the work day.
I had a lot of these anger issues…. uncharacteristically… for a long time until I wondered if it was uncharacteristic anymore. This stuff, this stuff, and this stuff have made a world of difference. I’ve done a LOT of studying and research on the first two…the third just needed a lot of hands on trials. 😀
I had a lot of these anger issues…. uncharacteristically… for a long time until I wondered if it was uncharacteristic anymore. This stuff, this stuff, and this stuff have made a world of difference. I’ve done a LOT of studying and research on the first two…the third just needed a lot of hands on trials. 😀
Oh… but not sugar free like the picture…. definitely the real stuff.
Oh… but not sugar free like the picture…. definitely the real stuff.
Is it weird that I find the idea of calling one’s kids horrible names MUCH worse than hitting them?
In any case, definitely behind you all the way on not doing either. 🙂 I hope your week is going well so far.
Is it weird that I find the idea of calling one’s kids horrible names MUCH worse than hitting them?
In any case, definitely behind you all the way on not doing either. 🙂 I hope your week is going well so far.