Blogging

Some days I stare at the blank “journal entry” box and feel like I have nothing to say. I want to write something brilliant, or witty, or thought provoking; something that will inspire people to comment and drag their friends here to read my words. I want that, and some days I feel close, but other days I stare at the blank white box and feel that my life and my every thought is just… boring, uninspired. So I hammer out an entry about the thoughts in my brain and it all feels prosaic. Every writer I’ve ever talked to has times when they feel like what they’ve written is worthless. Blogging does not get a pass on this. The bloggers I’ve talked to all have moments of wondering why on earth they do it. I no longer wonder why I blog. It has reached the point where blogging has become part of my emotional process. Even things that are too personal for the internet get processed in writing. Not blogging would take a serious readjustment of my psyche. So I don’t wonder why I blog anymore, but sometimes I wonder why other people show up to read it. Some days I can see value in what I write, other days I can’t. That is just how it is.

Talking about my feelings about blogging always feels awkward. It feels like begging for compliments. It feels like the classic public-speaking mistake of getting up in front of the crowd and expressing why I feel like I’m not qualified to give the speech, thus undermining everything that comes afterward. Is blogging about blogging meta-blogging? I’m not sure. But the experience of blogging and of reading blogs has a major impact on my life and so not talking about it feels like ignoring the elephant in the room.

At Ad Astra I was a panelist for an hour long discussion on “The Experience of Blogging.” At that panel there was a moment when time seemed to slow down and my words felt heavy with truth. It was my moment to give last words, and I said that the reason I blog is because there is a possibility that my words will be exactly what someone else needs today; the possibility that my thoughts will make someone else’s life better. The truth that I did not say, is that sometimes that “someone” who needs my words is my future self. Sometimes the words she needs are not the brilliant ones, but the “boring” words that will echo through the years wafting with memories of a time gone by. Sometimes I find in someone else’s blog a thought or idea that is completely new to me. Sometimes the thought is so profound that it sets my head spinning. Often that profound thought comes from a blog entry that the writer probably considered boring.

Are some blog entries boring? Of course they are. I’m definitely a blog skimmer. I’ll skip entries that cover topics that don’t interest me. Many of my own entries are similarly boring. But “boring” is not the same thing as valueless. Often blogging is like building a sandcastle. The point is the process rather than the result. Also like sandcastles, blogs often change shape in the making. An entry that starts out as one thing may end up being a very different shape than intended. This entry for example. I meant to write about having nothing to say, but once I started digging, I found thoughts that had lain buried for a long time. There is another way that blog entries are like sandcastles. They never seem to be truly complete. There’s always something else that could be built up or smoothed down. But in the end there comes a time to call it done and walk away.

Sandcastles. It has been a long time since I’ve built a sandcastle. We have lovely new sand in our sandbox and tomorrow is Saturday. Perhaps it is time for me to remedy that.