venting.

I haven’t done much grumpy in here, but this week is stressy and I need to vent.

Novell. It pays our bills in spades. It pays our medical expenses in spades. It also sends Howard on trips once a month or more which creates buffer stress and detaches him from me an his children. I hate that the kids consider it normal to have Daddy gone. I can live with it except when corporate decisions leave Howard pissed off and unable to enjoy family or schlock. Then his at-home time is ruined as well.

Howard leaves for yet another trip tomorrow. He’ll be gone until late Thursday night. Thursday morning Link has minor surgury. (Adenoid removal) We’ve looked it over and over and all things considered Thursday is the best day to do it. Logically it all makes sense, but I’m going to have to deal with it by myself and I don’t want to. And Howard feels horrible about not being there and this entry is NOT going to make him feel any better about it. Which makes me want to delete this entry. Howard’s pain is my pain, I want to avoid pain.

Howard and I both dream of a time when Schlock makes enough money to support our family. Then he could be at home. He could be involved in the daily running of the house and caring for the children. We could build habit patterns which are dependant on having him here instead of off on trips. Unfortunately there is only a limited amount of things I can do to forward that goal without sacrificing our goal maintaining a stable home for our children. I know I could be doing so much more to foster the growth of Schlock-as-business. I’m capable of being a real asset there, but only at the cost of ignoring the children. I can’t do enough. I can’t pay off the debt fast enough, I can’t keep the house clean enough, I can’t even get bedtime working smoothly.

And today all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry. Or sleep until it gets better. Both would be incredibly counter productive.

I was going to make this entry family only, but I keep thinking about friendship. Friends grow closer because they tell each other the bad stuff as well as the good stuff. I have the beginings of some good friendships here, I need good friends.

16 thoughts on “venting.”

  1. This will sound like I’m being thick and acting like you’re avoiding easy solutions, but I’m not.
    At the moment, you have a family to raise while Howard works full time. Unless a financial windfall comes along, you can only sit through that, doing what little bits you can, while still being the good mother and wife you are.
    Now, Howard might be able to change positions in the company to one that requires less (or no) travel. But switching jobs (even within the company) is one of those things the two of you would have to really, really talk out.
    So all I can say now is, do what you can, stress as little as possible over what you can’t, and try to take it easy.

  2. Here, have a hug.

    Take the biggest one, you need it. *HUGS* Have another, there are plenty more where that one came from *hug*.

    This too shall pass, but the family will remain, and friends, too.

    It’s been a stressful morning here, too. My husband totaled his car driving to work, plus damaged two others. Legally it’s his fault, too (rush hour bumper-to-bumper traffic, but that doesn’t hold sway against Following Too Closely citations). No one was injured, so to me, everything else is dross. But he’s pretty shaken up, and is taking today off from work. I’m in a sort of continual hug/reassure/hug mode today.

    I’m trying not to feel resentful and cheated of my goofday and sleep day. And of course, there’s a bit of guilt for feeling resentful. Today was supposed to be indulgence and play and celebrate the end of the term and work off stress built up over the term. Husband needs me, that changes everything. But I’ll kvetch a little in a forum where he won’t find it and feel guilty.

    HUGS AGAIN.

  3. Re: Here, have a hug.

    The only thing worse that smashing up your own car is smashing up someone else’s. Sorry for the headaches and stresses the accident brings to you and your hubby.

  4. Counting blessings

    Alright. I griped. Now I’m going to take every thing I just griped about and find something to be glad of.

    Travel: Howard has been able to go many many cool places and he’s gotten the chance to meet with lots of really cool people, particularly schlock fans. I even got to go to Africa because of a business trip. Novell pays our bills, and our medical expenses. There are days where Howard comes home from work glowing because of things that went on at Novell.

    Links surgery is minor. In fact all of my kids are really healthy and happy. I have Howard’s sister and several neighbors all lined up to help me deal with the stresses of the surgery. I can’t be grateful enough for the support network I have here. The surgery will hopefully solve Link’s ongoing problems with ear infections and pressure.

    Howard does a good job of staying connected with the kids. He talks to each of them daily. They all give Daddy hugs goodbye when he leaves and they miss him when he is gone. He frequently takes kids out for individual Daddy dates. Sometimes it is just to the grocery store, but it is still individual time.

    While I wish I could do more to help Schlock prosper, I actually feel like it is doing pretty well. We are poised to start producing merchandise and theoretically bringing in more money. My contributions in book keeping and morale support are very valuable and well within my capability to maintain.

    The debt is relatively small. The house is relatively clean. And school will start soon which will provide a more regular schedule and make bedtime easier.

    I have a bed to curl up in. I get sleep regularly, and I’ve got friends who care.

    None of this negates the whiney feelings I have, but it does help me keep them in perspective and realize that I have lots more to be grateful for than I have to complain about.

  5. Re: Here, have a hug.

    But this too shall pass. And if it doesn’t, I’ll give it a boot in the ass “GET MOVING! OUTTA HERE!”

    The good side of things: NO INJURIES. All three drivers involved are insured through the same company, which usually means less hassle. And the car had been purchased free and clear, so there is no loan to worry about.

    I will worry about other things, such as insurance issues and how to pay for the replacement vehicle, LATER. For now, I’m focusing my energy on things that I can do and control, such as giving him emotional support. Thank you for letting me hijack your thread for a vent of my own.

    Your social network contains great friends, it’s wonderful you’ve got neighbors and sisters to help out.

  6. You’re allowed too gripe, too

    You and your husband do an amazing job of keeping things together. Both of you have *tons* of sources of potential stress in your lives. You’v eno idea how impressed I am at the way you handle it with grace and aplomb. That is occassionally gets to you is reassuring, in a way: “Oh, thank goodness, they’re human after all.” 😀

    Anyway. I think it’s great that you listed out the silver linings, even to the annoyances of your life. And I hope Link’s surgery goes smoothly tomorrow. Be well. *hug*

  7. Re: You’re allowed too gripe, too

    Can I have that permission to gripe in writing? I want to hang it on my wall where the kids can see it.

    Thanks for the support.

  8. Re: Counting blessings

    Maybe the problems exist to encourage reflections on the positive things they spring from. If we didn’t have those problems, we’d have other problems, without the blessings they came with.

    Or something like that. I think I just swallowed my own tongue trying to figure out how to parse that.

    Hang in there, lady. The trials can be met and dealt with, and will be behind you sooner than it seems.

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