I haven’t done much grumpy in here, but this week is stressy and I need to vent.
Novell. It pays our bills in spades. It pays our medical expenses in spades. It also sends Howard on trips once a month or more which creates buffer stress and detaches him from me an his children. I hate that the kids consider it normal to have Daddy gone. I can live with it except when corporate decisions leave Howard pissed off and unable to enjoy family or schlock. Then his at-home time is ruined as well.
Howard leaves for yet another trip tomorrow. He’ll be gone until late Thursday night. Thursday morning Link has minor surgury. (Adenoid removal) We’ve looked it over and over and all things considered Thursday is the best day to do it. Logically it all makes sense, but I’m going to have to deal with it by myself and I don’t want to. And Howard feels horrible about not being there and this entry is NOT going to make him feel any better about it. Which makes me want to delete this entry. Howard’s pain is my pain, I want to avoid pain.
Howard and I both dream of a time when Schlock makes enough money to support our family. Then he could be at home. He could be involved in the daily running of the house and caring for the children. We could build habit patterns which are dependant on having him here instead of off on trips. Unfortunately there is only a limited amount of things I can do to forward that goal without sacrificing our goal maintaining a stable home for our children. I know I could be doing so much more to foster the growth of Schlock-as-business. I’m capable of being a real asset there, but only at the cost of ignoring the children. I can’t do enough. I can’t pay off the debt fast enough, I can’t keep the house clean enough, I can’t even get bedtime working smoothly.
And today all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry. Or sleep until it gets better. Both would be incredibly counter productive.
I was going to make this entry family only, but I keep thinking about friendship. Friends grow closer because they tell each other the bad stuff as well as the good stuff. I have the beginings of some good friendships here, I need good friends.