January impending
Today was much better. I always forget that the first day of a new schedule is always exhausting and draining for me. I have to think and rethink every step of the day to make sure I get it right. By the second day I’ve internalized some of the steps and things are much smoother. I’m still tired, but this evening isn’t bleak the way that last night was.
January and February are the long dark teatime of the year. The space of time between Christmas and the first crocus blooming always seems to be a long slog. I don’t mind winter if it snows, but cold/gray/wet gets me down after awhile. Around here the first crocus blooms sometime in the second half of February. Having crocus bloom doesn’t make the weather any warmer, but it is a promise of good things to come. I love crocus. It is a sign of the end of dark times.
Of course right now it is the beginning of January and the long slog is still ahead of me. That is part of what had me stressed/depressed last night. It was bad enough managing conflict filled homework times in October/November/December, I couldn’t see how I’d manage it in January/February. The good news is that after the Christmas break kids seem to settle into their school routines. Everyone knows what to expect and they’re more content. I’m really really hoping for that. I saw a glimpse of it tonight.
This afternoon I caught myself looking out my back window and examining trees for signs of budding. More evidence that my longing for spring begins as soon as New Years is over. I never used to feel this way about winter until I had a very unpleasant one 7 years ago. Anniversaries matter even if we don’t consciously remember them. That one winter was sufficiently unpleasant that it has rippled negative associations through all the years that followed. Some winters are harder than others. I confess to anxiety about this one for the reasons I’ve already mentioned.
Foreshadowing is a fine literary technique. It doesn’t work as well in real life. Right now my brain is trying to foreshadow. It is throwing shadows foreward into the month ahead when perhaps no shadows need to be there at all. I can’t really hope for warm, so instead I’m going to hope for snow. Lots and lots of bright snow to enliven the winter days.