Day: January 6, 2006
Popsicles
I’m always so glad when my kids are nice to each other. This afternoon they ran around outside wearing shorts and eating popsicles while playing a game and watching a hot air balloon. I live in Utah, this is January, the weather outside is about 45 degrees and gray. My children are nuts. But they had fun right up until the point that they realized they were COLD. At that point Gleek tried to come and leech heat from me by climbing into my lap. But she wouldn’t relinquish the popsicle, not a chance.
The popsicles were an experimental mix of tang and milk frozen into “sip & lick” popsicle molds. These molds are special because the “lid” of the mold forms not only the stick for the popsicle, but a little cup to catch the drips. The cup includes a little straw for slurping the melted liquid. I took one look at them and pictured children blowing melted popsicle fluids into huge sticky bubbles. Gleek looked at them and saw pure joy. They were at a thrift store, Gleek spent her own money and they came home with us. Last night the kids were checking the freezer every 10 minutes to see if the popsicles were done yet. The tang + milk was really yummy in frozen form, but as it melted it separated into orange curds and clear whey which was pretty yucky. Fortunately the kids ate them so fast that I only knew about the separation from the sticky little drips that Patches left all over the house. Well, I could have done without the sticky drips, but I got them all wiped up. I think.
Unpacking
I have a personal theory about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I believe the brain replays traumatic/adrenaline surged events in order to learn how not to do that again, whatever that may be. The fastest way for a person to end this kind of playback is to examine “that” and plan alternate courses of action to prevent it. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when a person feels powerless to affect the cause of the trauma. The playback is endless because no matter how many times the event is played back no pathway is found to prevent it from ever happening again. “Playback” may be as vivid as a full sensory flashback, or as mild as a feeling of fear or depression when similar circumstances are encountered. By this point in my post I’ve probably played merry hell with proper psychological terminology, I don’t much care. I’m trying to explain to myself what has been happening in my head for the past 7 years.
Seven years ago I underwent 7 weeks of radiation therapy to eradicate a tumor under my chin. It was a miserable experience. The tumor had been surgically removed, regrown, and removed again. It looked like the only way to prevent a cyclical repeat of regrowth and surgery was to radiate it until it was dead and I wasn’t. The therapy began at the end of January 1999 and ended in the middle of March. My mom had to come at stay with us for the last three weeks because I couldn’t keep things together. As soon as the therapy was over I shut the door on that part of my life. I was so desperate to be done with it and never go there again that I didn’t even want to think about it. I believe the proper psychological term for that is denial or maybe avoidance.
In the past 7 years I’ve always thought of radiation as something that was over. I’m done with that, so I don’t need to think about it. Only I’m not done with it. The experience was long enough and unpleasant enough that it set up a whole raft of associations in my brain that affect my moods and thinking. Howard tells me that every January/February he observes a noticable downtick in my moods. As soon as the holidays are over I start longing for spring because in 1999 spring coincided with the end of radiation therapy. I love crocus because they are a sign that the Bad Time is over. Last year I didn’t have a “downtick” during the winter. I remember thinking about it and feeling like I’d finally put behind me the last lingering emotional effects of the radiation therapy. I was wrong, this year all the associations are back with a vengence. Apparently I can’t just “put it behind me,” I need to face it and examine it. Not really something I want to do.
So I guess it is time for me to end the avoidance or denial or whatever you want to call it. I need to do some writing to take a clear look at what I went through and how I feel about it, because I packed the experience away so quickly I’m sure there are unresolved threads there. It’s been packed away for so many years that the memories are sure to be moth eaten and wrinkly, so anybody who was around me back then is welcome to add input or corrections as they see fit. This process will probably take several entries, I’ll try to put them behind cuts so that if anyone else wants to avoid this plunge into my worst winter, they can. To be honest I have very mixed feelings about putting this in livejournal at all. Part of me is afraid that it’ll look like I’m asking for pity or sympathy. This is the same part that is always reluctant to ask for help even when it is obviously needed. Also this is a very personal delving into my psyche and a life-altering experience, do I really want that hanging out in a public place? On the other hand I would love it if my experiences could be of some help to someone else. It would be nice to be able to feel like there was a point to this miserable experience. Also I’ll be able to sort my brain better if other people are around to comment and help me make connections that I’m missing. And there is also that whole avoidance thing. I’ve begun a couple of times to write about radiation, but without someone else involved I get about a half page done and quit. Livejournal is more like telling other people than like talking to myself.
So I’m going to take a middle approach. Everyone on my friend’s list will be able to read these entries because I already trust all of you to be kind and considerate. If any of you know someone who might be helped by anything I share, feel free to pass it on, or put them in touch with me, but do not post it in a public place. I may in the future decide to make all of this public information, but I’m not ready to do that yet. If you have thoughts for or against making this public, I’d be interested in hearing them, but I don’t promise to follow your advice. There will be more than one entry on this as I refine my thinking and sort my thoughts. I’m not sure how many entries this will come to, hopefully not too many. I don’t want anyone to get bored and I’d like to sort quickly. Of course that desire to “sort quickly” is a reflection of my desire to be done with it. Sigh. I definitely need to unpack this box.