I just spent 40 minutes explaining to my introverted daughter Kiki that a mumbled apology while staring at her feet simply doesn’t feel like an apology to extroverted Gleek. Gleek needs eye contact and touch to really feel reassured. When Kiki is upset she needs alone time, when Gleek is upset she needs people close by, if you leave Gleek she feels abandoned. For the sake of the conversation with Kiki, I called it “two different body languages” although that really isn’t the best terminology since more than body language is involved. The core message of our conversation was that for an apology to be effective at repairing damage, it needs to be placed in the language of the reciever which may or may not match that of the giver. Kiki naturally wants to show her shame by hanging her head and speaking low, but Gleek reads that behavior as being disengaged and unsorry. Hugs and eye contact make Gleek feel better, but are uncomfortable for Kiki to extend because she needs her space.
I’ve got a long road to walk with these two to help them relate well. But hopefully at the end I’ll have an introvert who speaks fluent “extrovert” and an extrovert who speaks fluent “introvert.”
Another thing you might want to look into sometime in the future is the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I only suggest it because while I understood introvert and extrovert differences, I lost a friend because she and I spoke different languages when it came to encouragement and I didn’t realize what had happened until it was too late to repair the damage. You see, my primary love language is doing service. Words don’t mean as much to me as acts do. My friend was an introvert too, but her language was actually words of affirmation.
I didn’t hear how important I was to her in all her praise and she didn’t see how much she meant to me in all the helpful information I emailed her. So when we had a fight, she felt I was a heartless individual who had no concern for others. And when I tried to tell her otherwise, I was doing it in a way she wasn’t fluent in. I’m afraid I may have come across as being overbearing, instead of caring.
I even tried to speak it in my secondary languages – quality time and giving gifts. But that failed too. I have no idea what her secondary language might be. If it was physical touch, then we were out of luck, being in different hemispheres and all.
Anyway, it’s a really good book. I need to buy a third copy someday, because my other two went to other friends.
Another thing you might want to look into sometime in the future is the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I only suggest it because while I understood introvert and extrovert differences, I lost a friend because she and I spoke different languages when it came to encouragement and I didn’t realize what had happened until it was too late to repair the damage. You see, my primary love language is doing service. Words don’t mean as much to me as acts do. My friend was an introvert too, but her language was actually words of affirmation.
I didn’t hear how important I was to her in all her praise and she didn’t see how much she meant to me in all the helpful information I emailed her. So when we had a fight, she felt I was a heartless individual who had no concern for others. And when I tried to tell her otherwise, I was doing it in a way she wasn’t fluent in. I’m afraid I may have come across as being overbearing, instead of caring.
I even tried to speak it in my secondary languages – quality time and giving gifts. But that failed too. I have no idea what her secondary language might be. If it was physical touch, then we were out of luck, being in different hemispheres and all.
Anyway, it’s a really good book. I need to buy a third copy someday, because my other two went to other friends.
Mommy as referee, arbiter, and translator. Your hats are many, your hands are two 🙂
For now, the girls can learn to speak “sister”. Then as they get older, they’ll learn to see those “languages”, the needs, signaled in others, and understand how to interpret and adapt.
Perhaps one way to help her understand is compare it to why cats and dogs so often don’t get along right at the start. To a dog, one paw raised, legs braced to bounce, tail up and wagging is “I want to play!” To a cat, that’s one paw ready to claw, other legs dug in for purchase, and a tail thrashing about in anger or fear = “I’m scared/want to fight”. But, they can and often do learn to read each other and get along just fine, becoming good friends and playmates as time goes on.
One of our previous cats had been raised by the farm german shepherd, meaning he grew up with all of his playmates and interactions being with puppies and dogs. He had a goodly bit of dog body language, and had problems “communicating” with our preexisting cats due to the conflicting signals.
It’s so cool you are helping them understand each other instead of simply lecturing Kiki “don’t mumble, look at me when you’re talking” and lecturing Gleek about not pushing it.
Mommy as referee, arbiter, and translator. Your hats are many, your hands are two 🙂
For now, the girls can learn to speak “sister”. Then as they get older, they’ll learn to see those “languages”, the needs, signaled in others, and understand how to interpret and adapt.
Perhaps one way to help her understand is compare it to why cats and dogs so often don’t get along right at the start. To a dog, one paw raised, legs braced to bounce, tail up and wagging is “I want to play!” To a cat, that’s one paw ready to claw, other legs dug in for purchase, and a tail thrashing about in anger or fear = “I’m scared/want to fight”. But, they can and often do learn to read each other and get along just fine, becoming good friends and playmates as time goes on.
One of our previous cats had been raised by the farm german shepherd, meaning he grew up with all of his playmates and interactions being with puppies and dogs. He had a goodly bit of dog body language, and had problems “communicating” with our preexisting cats due to the conflicting signals.
It’s so cool you are helping them understand each other instead of simply lecturing Kiki “don’t mumble, look at me when you’re talking” and lecturing Gleek about not pushing it.
That’s a VERY good lesson to teach your kids; more adults could use it too. And I agree with that it’s in many different aspects of life, and we have to learn to express ourselves in ways that others can understand, as well as learning to understand how others express themselves.
That’s a VERY good lesson to teach your kids; more adults could use it too. And I agree with that it’s in many different aspects of life, and we have to learn to express ourselves in ways that others can understand, as well as learning to understand how others express themselves.
Yes. Good for your kids to know that sort of stuff now. It will definitely make things easier in the future. Aren’t kids lucky to know all this psychology stuff earlier on? 🙂
I’m trying to teach LightningBoy about bullies. They seem to be like dogs, they like to see someone running and screaming (or any negative reaction) and will keep chasing you (or being mean) if you keep running and screaming (or reacting). So calm down and disappoint them and they won’t want to chase you or be mean to you anymore. 🙂
Am I right?
Yes. Good for your kids to know that sort of stuff now. It will definitely make things easier in the future. Aren’t kids lucky to know all this psychology stuff earlier on? 🙂
I’m trying to teach LightningBoy about bullies. They seem to be like dogs, they like to see someone running and screaming (or any negative reaction) and will keep chasing you (or being mean) if you keep running and screaming (or reacting). So calm down and disappoint them and they won’t want to chase you or be mean to you anymore. 🙂
Am I right?
BTW, I looked that book up on the Library website and there is a
Five Love Languages for Children…
BTW, I looked that book up on the Library website and there is a
Five Love Languages for Children…