Note: The concept of relationships as accounts was given me by someone else. What I am doing here is just putting the metaphor into my own words in ways that help me analyze interactions that I have seen.
Relationships are like joint bank accounts. Both people can make deposits to the account causing it to grow and both cam make withdrawals from the account causing it to shrink. Anything that strengthens a relationship, like a remembered birthday, counts as a deposit. Anything that weakens a relationship, like hurtful words, counts as a withdrawal. New accounts aren’t very big and so they can’t stand very many withdrawals before they bankrupt. Long standing accounts can stand up to many more withdrawals. However even a long standing account can be overdrawn and bankrupted.
When one person makes a big withdrawal from the joint account, it can be very frightening/upsetting for the other person. Suddenly she is reminded that she does not have complete control of how this account grows or is spent. Sometimes that fear leads her to also make a withdrawal. After all he did it, why can’t she? Unfortunately this pattern quickly leads to an account that is overdrawn and bankrupt. This pattern is particularly evident in divorces as both people struggle to withdraw as much as they can from an account that is already overdrawn.
Another response to a large withdrawal is when the injured person demands a deposit to make up for the withdrawal. You see this when a woman demands flowers in recompense for a forgotten anniversary. Unfortunately, deposits that are produced in response to a demand, only carry half the value they would otherwise have. On the other hand, an unexpected deposit, like surprise flowers, can triple or quadruple in value.
Some relationships are structured so that one person makes far more withdrawals than deposits. Parent/child relationships are this way. Sometimes the child makes a deposit to the account, but it is usually the responsibility of the parent to keep the account solvent. The parent has to pull funds from somewhere else to keep the account going. Of course it also falls to the parent to teach their children how and when to make deposits to relationship accounts. Sometimes this means demanding deposits, such as an apology.
If a person is physically or mentally ill, then they make far more withdrawals than they do deposits. This is not by choice. It falls to the caretaker to value the deposits that the ill person manages to make according to the difficulty of making deposits at all. This is not easy.
Gifts can be significant deposits. Gifts make a large deposit at the moment of gifting, but they continue to make small deposits every time the recipient sees or touches the gift. Gifts can also be withdrawals if the gift serves as a reminder of misunderstanding or if the gift comes with strings attached. Gifts are more likely to be accepted as large deposits if they demonstrate significant sacrifice or effort. Jewelry is a favored gift because it is expensive, thus it represents a large sacrifice of money and the effort required to earn that money. A handmade gift represents a large sacrifice of time.
Sometimes one person believes she is making a deposit when the other person perceives it as a withdrawal. This is like the mother who expresses her love by making sure that the laundry and dishes are always done. But the child ends up feeling like housework is more important than he is. In order for a deposit to really build the account, it can’t be made in a currency that is foreign to the recipient.
This is one of the most insightful things I’ve read, even here…
And I read some amazing stuff here. Thank you…
This is one of the most insightful things I’ve read, even here…
And I read some amazing stuff here. Thank you…
Here from.
I think this is spot on. There’s one additional mistake I’ve seen people make. Sometimes when one person starts making huge withdrawals, the other person’s reaction, rather than to make a withdrawal of their own, is to think, “Shit! Our bank account is getting low!” and panic, and start shoveling deposits into the account. But it’s not going to work if the other person just keeps withdrawing. One person can’t keep the joint account going. But you can lose a lot of money before you figure that out.
Here from.
I think this is spot on. There’s one additional mistake I’ve seen people make. Sometimes when one person starts making huge withdrawals, the other person’s reaction, rather than to make a withdrawal of their own, is to think, “Shit! Our bank account is getting low!” and panic, and start shoveling deposits into the account. But it’s not going to work if the other person just keeps withdrawing. One person can’t keep the joint account going. But you can lose a lot of money before you figure that out.
“Gifts can be significant deposits. Gifts make a large deposit at the moment of gifting, but they continue to make small deposits every time the recipient sees or touches the gift. Gifts can also be withdrawals if the gift serves as a reminder of misunderstanding or if the gift comes with strings attached.”
This all presupposes that the recipient REMEMBERS the details of the gifting! *wry grin*
Additionally, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reputation_system and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reputation in more general terms. This is also part of the underlying basis underlying such ‘fun’ things as a http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gift_economy – something which as far as I know doesn’t actually exist today, but who knows what tomorrow’ll bring?
-John
“Gifts can be significant deposits. Gifts make a large deposit at the moment of gifting, but they continue to make small deposits every time the recipient sees or touches the gift. Gifts can also be withdrawals if the gift serves as a reminder of misunderstanding or if the gift comes with strings attached.”
This all presupposes that the recipient REMEMBERS the details of the gifting! *wry grin*
Additionally, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reputation_system and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reputation in more general terms. This is also part of the underlying basis underlying such ‘fun’ things as a http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gift_economy – something which as far as I know doesn’t actually exist today, but who knows what tomorrow’ll bring?
-John
Actually a gift economy does exist. I have a thriving gift economy running with many of my friends. We trade babysitting, food items, tools, clothing, etc all without payment, but on the expectation that the other person will pay it forward or something else back in my time of need.
Freecycle.org is a formalization of this kind of gift economy. You might want to check it out.
Actually a gift economy does exist. I have a thriving gift economy running with many of my friends. We trade babysitting, food items, tools, clothing, etc all without payment, but on the expectation that the other person will pay it forward or something else back in my time of need.
Freecycle.org is a formalization of this kind of gift economy. You might want to check it out.