What to say
In this pas couple of weeks I have had one friend whose father died abruptly, another friend whose father was diagnosed with incurable cancer and sent home to die, a third friend’s father was hospitalized for unexplained internal bleeding. The good news is that my own father is just fine, although I should probably call him.
I feel sympathy and sorrow for the pain of these three friends. I just wish I knew what to say. They are going through something profound with which I have limited direct experience. In the face of so much pain, I fear to say the wrong thing and thus inflict more pain. So I end up saying nothing, which is certainly the wrong choice. My silence may seem to be indifference or abandonment.
Howard has been through this. Both of his parents died just as he was entering adulthood. I’ve listened to him council people about grief. He says that when faced with death, you first have to learn how to breathe even though you loved one does not. Then bit by bit you learn how to eat, sleep, laugh, and live even though the person is gone. Howard speaks with the voice of experience. He knows what to say to the grief stricken because he has been there. I don’t want to be there, but I wish I knew what to say.
In person I can express sympathy through a look or a touch. But two of these friends are online friends. It is harder to convey a hug through electronic media. Electronic communication requires words. Words are powerful. I fear to use the wrong ones.
