I’ve mentioned before how I arrived at this Fall and my children transformed into pits of need. I’ve speculated that some of this transformation was driven by the fact that I was truly available to them for the first time in months. The months prior had been overwhelmed by business tasks. I felt guilty about how much the business stuff displaced the family stuff and so it was with relief that I turned a large portion of my creative energy toward the needs of my kids; figuring out what they need, then attempting to supply it. I call it my “Mommy sense.” I’ll observe a child’s behavior, know what is driving it, and how to come around from the side to meet the need so that the problematic behavior is eliminated. In essence, I’m circling around and flanking them, which means that for every step forward the child makes, I’ve taken a dozen steps.
Of late I’ve begun to get the feeling that I’m too available. I’m running around in circles. There are legitimate needs which actually require my focused attention, but I’m also noticing places where kids are waiting for me to solve problems rather than taking initiative. For example, certain of my kids think nothing of calling me in from another room to ask me to pour them a glass of milk. On the one hand I understand how struggling kids need reassurance. They need to feel safe, and cared for, and nurtured. Small acts of service from me go a long way to fill those needs. On the other hand, kids don’t need as much nurturing when they are confident in their own capabilities. The gripping hand is that I hate being paged from another room to perform menial tasks that kids are fully capable of managing themselves.
The milk example seems pretty clear cut, but some of the other things are not. When Kiki is over-tired, feeling blue, faced with a pile of unpleasant homework, and complaining of soreness in her back, it is very tempting for me to let the chores slide, to let her play a game to relax for awhile. Sometimes I’m even tempted to do the chores for her as an act of love. She is always grateful when I do, but it doesn’t make anything better in the long term. We end up in the same place the next day or the next week. She’s struggling and it seems strange that the right answer, the best answer, is for me to push. But it is. When I stand up to her and tell her that she will do her homework now, she sticks out her chin and scowls at me, but then she plows through the homework and feels much better for it being done. Letting her relax solves nothing. It is just easier. Doing things for her solves nothing. I’ve got both Kiki and Link fighting me in this exact same way. I have to stand firm against them both to get them moving. Then there is Gleek whom I have to reign in. Patch is less demanding at the moment, but he also needs me to stand firm to get him moving.
And so I need to be simultaneously available and unavailable. I have to structure my availability carefully. I have to be ready to drop everything and jump to help a child, but also be prepared to look that same child in the eye and say “do it yourself.” And I don’t get advance notice which I need to do. I have to be ready to evaluate and switch tactics at a moment’s notice. Sometimes I choose wrong. Sometimes I get it right. Either way I’ll have to do it again. And again. And again. No wonder I’m feeling so worn out.