Last year I wrote a series of entries detailing my experiences with radiation therapy. I likened the process to emptying a box. It fit, because once the therapy was over, I packed it all away so I didn’t have to think about it. Unfortunately the box sat in the back of my brain and leaked. The process of writing the entries let me empty the box. Once the box was completely empty I felt better and I moved on. There was some evidence that the box emptying worked, but I wondered whether the emptying of the box would be effective in helping quell my typical January depression. I still can’t call January a happy month, but this year it definitely had a more hopeful flavor to it. I planned ahead and kept busy rather than wallowing.
I haven’t reread those radiation entries. I have been afraid to. I put the entries behind me in much the same way that I put the radiation experience behind me. There comes a time to just move on. However, this time I understood that there would also come a time to revisit. I waited until after January was over. I waited for sunny weather. Then today the smell of Howard’s protein drink triggered some old emotions and I decided to just get it over with. I read them all.
I wrote many of those entries with tears rolling down my face. It was a huge purging of emotion. I remember feeling so strongly about what I wrote. All I found today were echoes. My eyes watered a couple of times, but not much. I was very surprised to read about some specific details. I read about them as if I were reading something that someone else wrote. It is as if, having written the experience down, my brain decided the memories were no longer pertinent and dumped them. Seven years after radiation I could still recall the puzzles I put together in the lobby. I could still recall some individual pieces and puzzle sections vividly. Today my memory of those puzzles is vague at best. How can I remember something vividly for seven years and then forget it a year later? I emptied the memory of emotion and it just flitters away.
I’m so glad that I wrote all of these radiation experiences in such detail. At the time the detail was necessary to the emotional purge. For the future the detail will be necessary because I’m going to forget. I’m going to forget. It was the worst, hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I’ve gotten over it. It no longer haunts me. All that are left are random hidden pockets, like the smell this morning.
I haven’t put it behind me. I’m beyond putting it behind me. Things behind me are like a shadow that follows me everywhere. I’ve done better than putting it behind me. I’ve absorbed it. My radiation experiences are no longer something to bury, or run from, or leave behind, they are just one of the many pieces of experience which make up the whole of me.
I’ve decided to open up my “radiation saga” beyond just those on my friends list. Feel free to read if you so wish, but be warned that it is a record of old pain not happy reading. The Radiation Saga
LiveJournal
I guess I’m a bit of a late convert to this LJ thing. But it occurs to me what a power for good in the world it can be. Between yours and Howard’s LJ entries and Blogunder Schlock, I get to feel almost part of your family, kind of like a fairly distant relative who lives a long way off. When I hear of disasters (big or small), I feel for you, when your kids are reported as unhappy, I feel for them and wish I could do more to help. And then when really good cool stuff happens I think “yay! things are going well for my friends”, except that it seems to me that in some way you’re more than just friends.
And yet here I am, thousands of miles away, I’ve never met you or your family in real life and there’s not that much chance I ever will – I’m unlikely to travel to the States in the foreseeable future and while I guess there’s some chance that Howard might make it this side of the pond for some event or other, I doubt you’ll be travelling here as a family.
So I’d just like to say a heartfelt “thankyou” to you for including me (and other LJ readers, of course) in your lives in this way. And if by some chance you *are* ever on holiday in Wales, I hope you’ll do me the honour of coming to visit – the door will most certainly be open and the coffee pot can be deployed at short notice 🙂
LiveJournal
I guess I’m a bit of a late convert to this LJ thing. But it occurs to me what a power for good in the world it can be. Between yours and Howard’s LJ entries and Blogunder Schlock, I get to feel almost part of your family, kind of like a fairly distant relative who lives a long way off. When I hear of disasters (big or small), I feel for you, when your kids are reported as unhappy, I feel for them and wish I could do more to help. And then when really good cool stuff happens I think “yay! things are going well for my friends”, except that it seems to me that in some way you’re more than just friends.
And yet here I am, thousands of miles away, I’ve never met you or your family in real life and there’s not that much chance I ever will – I’m unlikely to travel to the States in the foreseeable future and while I guess there’s some chance that Howard might make it this side of the pond for some event or other, I doubt you’ll be travelling here as a family.
So I’d just like to say a heartfelt “thankyou” to you for including me (and other LJ readers, of course) in your lives in this way. And if by some chance you *are* ever on holiday in Wales, I hope you’ll do me the honour of coming to visit – the door will most certainly be open and the coffee pot can be deployed at short notice 🙂
Re: LiveJournal
Like most things in this world LJ can be a tool for good or evil. I’ve heard of frienships torn apart because of things written on LJ. Fortunately I’ve no first hand experience with that. Livejournal has been a very good thing for both Howard and I. It has given us friends where we never expected to have them. Friends like you, who wish us well from afar and say nice things to boost us up when we feel down.
I would love to see Wales. If we ever do get over there, I’ll be sure to let you know. We really enjoy meeting online friends in person.
Re: LiveJournal
Like most things in this world LJ can be a tool for good or evil. I’ve heard of frienships torn apart because of things written on LJ. Fortunately I’ve no first hand experience with that. Livejournal has been a very good thing for both Howard and I. It has given us friends where we never expected to have them. Friends like you, who wish us well from afar and say nice things to boost us up when we feel down.
I would love to see Wales. If we ever do get over there, I’ll be sure to let you know. We really enjoy meeting online friends in person.
Wow!
I’m impressed by your writing this all up. These are sensitive and powerful entries. I got misty reading them. The entry where you describe Howard’s coming home from the trip and helping you cope affected me most because that is the kind of husband I try to be (and sometimes feel I manage to). You must be feeling much more comfortable with these to let them out in public like this.
Thanks for sharing!
Wow!
I’m impressed by your writing this all up. These are sensitive and powerful entries. I got misty reading them. The entry where you describe Howard’s coming home from the trip and helping you cope affected me most because that is the kind of husband I try to be (and sometimes feel I manage to). You must be feeling much more comfortable with these to let them out in public like this.
Thanks for sharing!