Finding Center
I have been like a wheel with an off-center axle. The ride has been very bumpy and it is hard to keep moving. The effort has exhausted me. This past week several things happened to lighten the load I have to haul. More important, I identified why my axle was off center.
I have accumulated many friends who are writers. I can not say what their internal goals are for the writing that they do, but the visible goals relate to working hard and getting published. I have been so swept up in the energy and enthusiasm, that I lost track of my core goals for the things that I write. I write to express the thoughts in my head. I write in the hope that my words will be of help to other people. Publishing my writing would assist my goal, but it is not the goal. Traditional publication is not the only path to my goal. Lately I have been pushing my writing, trying to publish it quickly. I was caught up in the idea of having a book to show others, to demonstrate that I really am the kind of writer who can get published. I was focused on the wrong goal.
Something Howard said to me months ago, came back to me this week. The writing will always be there for me. When my life is busy, the writing will lay idle, but it will be there when I have time again. For me and my life writing must take up the spaces around the edges of other things. Some people can give writing a central importance in their lives. I was jealous of that. I wanted to do that. I tried to do it, but it was throwing me out of balance with myself. Making writing central is not right for me at this point in my life. I am a writer, but I am not a writer first. I must be whole. I cannot be whole if writing crowds out the other things that I am.
This fact about me may mean that I never publish a novel. I may never make money from my writing. This is all right, because I believe that if I am inspired in pursuing my writing, then others will be led to the things I write which they need. It has already happened. Every time it does, I am awed to be the means by which some one else is helped. I hope that someday I’ll get to write a novel that someone else needs to read. But I need to be patient until I find the right novel and the right time in my life. When the time is right, then writing a novel will roll smoothly because my axle will be properly centered.
All of these thoughts cascaded into place over several days until Thursday when I could finally see them all. Since Thursday, I have had peace of spirit; the calmness of knowing that I have finally identified what is right for me. Along with peace there has been happiness. I can see the joy in my life rather than the endless row of tasks which I must get done.