Day: November 8, 2007

I feel as if my life has changed since November first. I am happy and relaxed in ways that I haven’t been for months. But when I really examine what I do in a given day, nothing has changed. I still get up and get kids to school and work hard on business things and work hard on household things and manage tantrums and handle bedtimes. The difference is in how I am perceiving my daily tasks. Instead of viewing my tasks as things I have to do, I am remembering why I put them on my task list in the first place. I’m remembering why I want them done.

The entire month of October “Mow Lawn” was on my task list. It was a thing I needed to do. It lurked there. Every time I had to move it to the next day’s list, the task would whisper “failure” at me. Wednesday I mowed the lawn, not because I had to in order to avoid feeling like a failure, but because I remembered how much more I enjoy my yard when the lawn is neat. I’ve noticed the messy kitchen and realized that I want the kitchen to be clean, so I made it that way. I helped the kids with their homework because I want them to grow up educated and because I like to spend time with them. I worked really hard on business things because I want more empty spaces in my schedule next week.

For the past week I’ve spent all day, every day, doing only things that I want to do. Amazingly they are exactly the same things that I had to do the week before. I want to keep doing things this way because I am happier and because I’ve promised myself a frivolous sewing project if I can get all the book and shipping work done on schedule.

I’ve been beating myself with a stick to make me move faster when I should have been using carrots instead.

When I was a child I had a hamster for a pet. It was a somewhat frustrating experience for both of us. You see I wanted the Hamster to play when it wanted to be asleep and vice versa. We usually had some overlap in the evenings though. That was when I would watch in fascination as the critter would scurry around the cage on hamsterly errands. I loved it when my hamster would run on the wheel. I never tired of watching those tiny legs move so fast that they were a blur. The hamster ran and ran, trying to climb up the side of a constantly rotating wheel, but the hamster never really went anywhere.

My thoughts have been like a hamster lately. Right around bedtime they start to run overtime. I find myself spinning scenarios and replaying events. Songs linger in my head repetitively. I re-hash the day just gone. I make plans for the next day’s activity. Mostly the thoughts just run and run and run without really going anywhere.

I’m not sorry for the brain hamster. It is happening this week because I am totally and happily absorbed in the Teraport Wars layout project. I’m very pleased at how quickly and smoothly the work is going. By the end of the day I am physically and mentally exhausted, but I can’t wait to get up and do some more. When I reach the point where I physically have to rest, then my enthusiasm turns into a brain hamster who runs and runs and runs.

Did I mention that sometimes my childhood pet kept me awake at night? Yeah, hamsters are like that. Brain hamsters too. My best defense is to find a nice no-stress train of thought and let the hamster run on that. So I’ve been planning an amazing costume that I’m going to sew. I’ve always wanted a beautiful costume dress, so now in my moments of down time I’m beginning to leisurely collect the supplies for it. I acquired a pattern today. In fact I acquired 7 patterns today because the fabric store was selling them for $.99 each. Since a single full-price pattern costs $15, I figure I came out ahead.

Lack of leisure was one of the things in my life that was broken. Leisure time is not the same as “down time.” For me down time implies that I have no energy to do anything. I want to zone out. Leisure time is when I use my energy on something simply because I want to do it. I’d stopped allowing that and now I’m giving it back to myself. Since last Thursday, every day has had some leisure time in it. I’ve surprised myself by discovering that many of my leisure choices are actually task list items, but they are things that I never get around to doing because the priority is low. Yesterday I mowed the lawn with my leisure time because I wanted it done and I felt like doing it. I’ve reclaimed writing as a leisure activity rather than an assignment. I’m glad to have writing back as a joy rather than a stress. Most importantly, leisure activities have no deadlines. I might finish this costume before Christmas, or it might be in two years. I might finish a story this month or maybe it will take three. Either way is fine because I’ll only work on it when I choose. It is more important to get it right than to get it done. (This is unlike other areas of my life where both “done” and “right” matter enormously.)

The brain hamster also often runs upon Christmas thoughts. Fortunately I now have plenty of budget for this. The auctions did well and then Howard’s sister contributed a large donation despite our protests. But I think I may declare Thanksgiving weekend a “no work” zone and sew some things for Christmas. Just because I want to. Or maybe I won’t. We’ll see.

The layout is going well. I have only four more Chapters to lay in. This is good because next comes all the bonus art which I have to select and photoshop and lay in. Then there are the copy edits and the bonus story that have to go in. Interspersed with that stuff is all of the mailing preparation that I need to do. But I have enough time. I just need to work steadily (4-6 hours each week day) and it will all be fine. And I will have some time to do things that I don’t need to do, but just want to do.

Now if my hamsters will just let me fall asleep quickly. Fortunately brain hamsters are amenable to rituals of appeasement such as taking a bath or reading a book.