Month: November 2007

Yesterday a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A Fed Ex package arrived from China with the five advance copies of Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness. I held the book in my hand and for the first time I had tangible evidence that we were going to be able to meet our obligation to thousands of people who have given us money. The books are beautiful. I could finally see for sure that they layout help I provided did not manage to ruin the book. This increases my confidence that I’ll be able to correctly lay out the next book. The rest of the books are already on their way here. We’re supposed to have them in hand by the end of this month. I feel so much better.

There is a difference between failing at something and being a failure. Many times in my life I’ve set a goal and not quite achieved it or missed it completely. Those things don’t make me feel like a failure. It is the accumulation of little misses that make me feel like I am myself a failure. Individually each of these things are so small, but they combine to overwhelm my generally positive outlook on myself. No one else will deride me for not accomplishing these little things, but these things are so small, so easy, that I feel stupid for not getting them done. If I can’t do the simple things, I begin to question my ability to accomplish bigger things. It is a backward way of thinking. I know this. I also know that the reason the little things don’t get done is because I do the big things first. But still I am constantly running into little things that I haven’t gotten done. It is hard for me to fight against that barrage of small negative messages.

The stupid little things which combine to make me feel like a failure: (Note: I am fully aware that the logic in most of these things is faulty. I am hoping by listing them out I will be able to see the faulty logic and stop being tripped by it.)

Anytime a person in my family has to rummage in the laundry room for clean clothes, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve either failed to put clothes away or I’ve failed to make the kids put their clothes away, or I’ve failed to properly teach the kids to put clothes away without me having to remind them to do it.

Any time I come upstairs in the afternoon and realize that breakfast dishes are still on the table, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve either failed to clean up or failed to teach kids to clean up after themselves.

Any time there are dishes on the counters or in the sink, I’ve failed for the same reasons as breakfast still on the table.

Any time I notice the lawn unmowed. (four weeks and counting.)

Any time I notice the weeds in my yard, or the unraked leaves.

Any time I notice the dirt and grunge which accumulates on the walls and banisters.

Any time my kids rooms get messy, because I should have taught them to clean up after themselves.

Any time any room gets cluttered, ditto.

Any time I realize that I’ve had an email sitting in my inbox for more than 24 hours without answering it.

Any time I have to yell to get the kids to do stuff.

Any time I don’t require homework or reading time.

Any time the kids are late to school.

This is not the end of the list, but I think you get the idea. Some people are pre-disposed to deny their responsibility for things gone wrong. I’m pre-disposed to assume that it is all my fault. Fortunately I am (usually) able to set aside my feelings and behave rationally. Fortunately I’m (usually) able to look at all of these things as household problems which I can help correct, but am not solely responsible for. But on the days I am tired, or discouraged, all these things overwhelm me and I feel like I’m failing at everything.

That is when Howard comes and gives me a hug and reminds me that the truly important things are getting done. He makes me feel better and I just go on doing the best I can with the time and energy that I have available.