Last week I did two interviews about Hold on to Your Horses. Both interviews were very complimentary to me and to the book. It was heady to have so many intelligent people telling me how amazing I was for creating this book for my daughter and then sharing it with others. Yet, after both interviews I could not wait to get home and change back into my mommy clothes instead of my professional clothes. I was subtlely disturbed by something about the interviews and it took me awhile to figure out what it was.
The cumulative message from the interviews was “we know you’re an amazing mother because you wrote this book.” As if writing a children’s book is a good measure of parenting prowess. The fact that I wrote a children’s book and shepherded it through publication says things about my writing and publication skills. It says nada about me as a mother. I would be much more comfortable receiving praise about my mothering skills from someone who watched the hours I spend snuggling and cooking and remembering food preferences and dropping off at school and supervising homework. Those are all tasks that will never win me a television interview, but they are far more important to being a good mother than writing a book is. In writing Hold Horses, I’m only doing what hundreds and thousands of other parents do every day. I am using the resources I have to help my children grow. It seems wrong that I’m getting praise and attention merely because I’ve got a flashier set of resources to turn to the aid of my child.
It feels wrong for me to seek out this praise and yet the praise is an inevitable part of promoting this book. I need to continue promoting the book. I still want to be able to pay Angela what her work is worth. I still believe that this is a story that can help other families as well as mine. I guess I just have to keep going, but I wish I could share the praise with other mothers who work even harder than I do with less reward.
yeah, but you are a fantastic mother. And the fact that you took the troubel to explore this concept with Gleek, and write the book, speaks large, gilt-bound volumes about how much you care about the parenting thing. OK, you’re not perfect, no-one is. But you have the humility to realise when you’ve got it wrong and to want to sort it out and make it right, if not now, then next time.
I hope it sells a million, it’s great.
It’s not the writing and self-publishing a book that means you’re a amazing mother. It’s the insight into your child’s mind that’s amazing. Maybe you don’t realize it, because it’s so normal to you, but a great many parents really don’t understand why their children act the way they do, and many parents don’t even try to – they just try to get the kids to behave and get angry when they can’t. The way you understand and relate to and guide your children is, in my experience anyway, extraordinary. You deserve recognition for that, and you can be a role model for other parents.
The desire and ability to bring your insight into a form that other children and parents can understand and use is special, too, and deserves recognition as much as the other wonderful parts of you.
Sandra wrote:
I would be much more comfortable receiving praise about my mothering skills from someone who watched the hours I spend snuggling and cooking and remembering food preferences and dropping off at school and supervising homework. Those are all tasks that will never win me a television interview, but they are far more important to being a good mother than writing a book is. (emphasis added)
Oh, hey. That would be me.
I’ve said it before: You’re the best mommy I know. You’re a better mommy than mine was, you’re a better mommy than I’ve seen your own be, and in my view you’re a better mommy than any of the other mommies I’ve watched.
I just don’t say it often enough. Sorry.
Okay, AGAIN with the anonymity
Stupid Chrome. Won’t keep me logged in to LJ.
That comment was me. Obviously. 🙂
While I haven’t seen a lot, what I have seen shows me that you are a great mommy.
I would have killed to have a mom like you. Mine was (is) a horror. I have high hopes for your kids, if I can make it to adulthood with minimal social ills, your kids are destined for greatness.
I think what they are referring to in your interviews is the fact that they can see through your book the love and attention that has gone to your kids. That is no small thing and worth celebrating and a healthy dose of praise.
So enjoy it for now, we both know that the praise is never there in those dark moments when you doubt yourself. Keep the memory of these little bits and hopefully they can keep you going until your kids are old enough and aware enough to give you their own praise for the fantastic job you have done.
You deserve all of it and more.
Re: Okay, AGAIN with the anonymity
P.S. What Howard said!
What zenkitty said. Regardless of the ability to write a good story, not many parents would make the effort to come up with a useful metaphor for their child’s behavior problem(s). As you’ve mentioned in your interviews it’s the behavior that’s problematic and needs to be changed, not that the child is bad. Some parents don’t see it that way. You are amazing for knowing the difference and proactively doing something to help your child change the behavior in a fun and positive way. Your book shows what an effort you’ve made to help your child. And if you are like this with one child it’s safe to assume that you make this effort for all your children.
Matthew 7:20 “…by their fruits ye shall know them.”
Thanks.
You’ve no idea how much I needed to hear this, nor how often I’ve re-read it since you posted it. Thank you.
And I’ll give you the same answer I gave to Zenkitty:
You’ve no idea how much I needed to hear this, nor how often I’ve re-read it since you posted it. Thank you.