Month: March 2010

School Registration

Link tromped with me into the Junior High building. It is a familiar place to me, because Kiki has been attending there for three years. For Link, the building was new. It represented a new and exciting chapter in his life. He took his map and navigated us around the school for a bit. We located the lunch room and the math rooms before the novelty wore off and he was ready to go home. At that point we’d already seen most of what he cares about. I worry for Link attending junior high, and I am excited. I love having the ability to select his classes separately. We can put him into advanced Math and resource English. He signed up for Clarinet. I don’t expect him to like it any better than Kiki did, but I think he will do better with it. He is better at practicing than she was at the same age.

Kiki flopped across my bed and thrust a hand full of papers in my general direction. It was the registration papers for high school. I sat with her and we combed through the class listings, trying to figure out what would be the best fit for her. Next year’s course load will be heavy. We have it on good authority that the Chemistry teacher believes in lots of homework. She’s also taking three honors classes (English, History, & Art.) The Honors classes will expect more from her, but I think she will enjoy them more because the other students will also be focused rather than just filling out graduation credits. The most startling realization for me was all the information on Driver’s Ed. Kiki will be fifteen in May. At that point she will be eligible for a Driver’s Permit. We’ve talked it over and the best fit for us all is for her to take Driver’s Ed next summer, so we have a brief reprieve. It still feels really soon.

I can feel the shifts. Both Kiki and Link are looking forward, selecting classes, making plans. They are both enthusiastic and optimistic. Picking new classes was always one of my favorite parts of school. The possibilities lay right in front of me and the challenges were only theoretical. In the not too far future, Kiki and Link will both reach a day when they are feeling trepidation for things to come. Next Fall will bring days when they feel overwhelmed and buried. The road ahead of us is long. We are going to get tired. But I am excited for them as they contemplate what is coming. We are all standing at the beginning of a path, wriggling our toes inside our shoes, anticipating the first steps.

The Working Desk

Desks are surfaces on which one piles Things To Do. My piles of things always begin as neat stacks, but the stacks quickly encroach upon each other. New layers are constantly added to the top, while the lower layers are slowly squished into the paper equivalent of sedimentary rock. In theory desks are also used as work space. I should be able to lay things out around me while I am actively using them, and be able to write notes using the available clear spaces. Usually my available clear space is about the size of a post it note and I have to slide the keyboard out of the way when ever I need to put a signature on a document. Eventually I have to have a day when I scrape the whole mess off of the flat surfaces and sort through the archeological layers of my business life. Then my desk functions as it is supposed to for a brief period of time.

Working Memory is the desk of the brain. It is the place where ideas and thoughts are processed before being used. It is where stray thoughts are organized into cohesive sentences. It is where numbers are added and multiplied. It is where images are mentally transformed. Like a physical desk the available space varies. Fatigue and distraction fog out the edges so that the working space is smaller. At these times it is literally harder to think and organize. Other things can clutter the working memory space. To Do lists, relationship shifts, and any other stress you can name all act like piles on the edges of the desk. They eliminate chunks of the working space and distract the attention.

Of late my working memory desk has been extremely cluttered. The result is that I feel closed in, unable to focus, and frustrated at my inability to process things efficiently. It is time for me to scrape the desk clear and sort through what is there.

Work:
I’m still trying to be in talent wrangler mode, but it is wearing on me. Howard doesn’t need full attention as much as he did early on, so we’re shifting this to a more balanced state of affairs. There is still lots of work to do. Howard is almost done with the RMS bonus story. Then he’ll have to catch up on the buffer, create a cover, and help with the last odds and ends on the book. I am also coordinating arrangements with 3 conventions. We’ve also gotten started on some necessary preliminary work for some of our summer events.

Family:
I’m in the process of getting Link registered for his first year in junior high and Kiki registered for her first year of high school. Both processes involve learning curves for me to hike. I’m also attempting to be more consistent about homework times and dinner times. In theory this structure will help provide a framework so the kids can succeed, which will lead to them feeling better about themselves and thus reducing conflict. So far the results have been various.

Community:
I’ve been a bit of a social hermit. All the stress causes me to draw back and conserve my energy. Unfortunately this also has the effect of reducing some of the contacts which provide me with energy. I need to be getting out more because I think it will make me happier when I am at home.

Spirituality:
I attend church every week, which gives me hope and energy. I have not been doing so well at regular scripture study, which also helps me gain perspective on the other parts of my life. This is my center of balance. If I do better here, everything else will probably fall into place.

Me:
I have not had much time for the things which matter to just me and I can feel that. I need to get outside. I need to garden. I need to walk. I need to get to the gym. More writing would be good too.

As usual, once I clear the desk and toss the stuff that is just clutter, I find that my piles really are not all that big. I don’t have too many things. I am not buried. Now I just need to get stuff done.

Stress at the Tayler house

Howard and I have both been pretty stressed lately. I’m not sure whether that has been clear on my blog, because I am very careful how I write about stressful things. This is not due to the need for a cheerful front to present to the world. It is a little bit due to knowing that the things which get written get remembered, and I prefer to remember the nice bits. The big reason I’m careful when writing about stress is to avoid negative feedback loops.

My stress makes Howard more stressed, which makes me more stressed, which makes Howard more stressed…etc. It gets even more complicated because each of us feels guilty if our stressed state increases the stressed state of the other. We want to defend each other from stress by taking care of more things solo. When we are both stressed, we step carefully because we know that the slightest nudge can upset the teetering emotional balances of the day. Keeping balance is critical to get the work done, which is the best path toward being less stressed. So I don’t vent on my blog about about my stress. Howard might take a quick break from work, read my blog, and then be derailed from his task to come help with my stress.

When the emotional balances become too teetering, we’ll find ourselves talking it out. I’ll tell Howard all the stuff I’ve been trying not to bother him about. He’ll do the same for me. Then we realize how silly we’ve been and re-sort the responsibilities so that everything balances better. Of late we’ve been having re-sorting conversations about twice per week.

We had one this morning. It was my turn to spill a pile of things which I was worried about, but which I was not saying out loud in a vain attempt to prevent Howard from feeling stressed over my worries. This hiding of worries thing doesn’t work so well when Howard has 17 years experience interpreting my moods. So Howard listened and assured me that it will be okay. This makes a nice balance for Friday and Saturday when I was the one doing the assuring. The depression we predicted for him last Thursday arrived a day late and in a different form than expected. What we forgot to predict was the effect his emotional downturn would have on me. Which explains this morning.

The only way out from under the stress is to keep going through. So onward we go.

Joy in Mixing the Colors

We are approximately two months away from 4 convention appearances. This means email has been flying fast and furious. I’m answering email about panel scheduling from Penguicon at the end of April. I’m discussing art for the Balticon program at the end of May. I’m throwing panel suggestions into consideration for CONduit which is also at the end of May. And I’m realizing that I really need to email the bookstore contact for a lecture Howard will be giving at LDS Storymakers mid-May. So far I’ve only messed up and sent information to the wrong place once.

I handle this kind of organization for Howard regularly. In theory this allows him to focus on writing a funny comic and creating bonus materials for the books. The reality is that the administrative tasks spill all over everything. We are constantly asking each other opinions and making sure we agree on how to handle the crisis of the moment. Yes, there is pretty much always a crisis. There is always some thing that we really should have gotten done several weeks ago.

This is supposed to be our year of settling in and smoothing out our process. We’re supposed to be balancing periods of calm with periods of stress. I pictured us alternating between the two, rather like people who have a regular home and a vacation home. Instead it is much more like two puddles of paint. The more we move around, the more the red gets tracked into the green and it all gets mixed up together until everything is greyish brown. Then I want to wash the plate and start over. If only I could find the time to wash a plate.

This year does feel more balanced. It is a little hard to see it at the moment because this month is really lopsided and work heavy. But I still believe the year will be good. I also have to remember that this mixing of work and family is actually one of the benefits of the kind of work that we do. Many people around the world would love to able to work from home simply so that they can be available for more family events. So instead of washing the plate clean, I need to be finding joy in the swirls of mixed colors.

Reluctant Party Planner

Over the past 14 years and four children I have planned and run upwards of 20 children’s birthday parties. The novelty has worn off. This is one of those not-fair-to-the-youngest-child things. Kiki had a mother who was thrilled to run a party for seven year olds. Patch has a mother who would rather not. This is how we arrived at 8:30 am on the day of the party and the only accomplished party task was “deliver invitations.” I had five and a half hours to clean house and plan how to occupy nine children for two hours. I dredged my memories and reconfigured the party plan I used for Link’s birthday about three years ago. We acquired a cake and prizes from the store, did some last minute adjustments to Patch’s request and the party guests arrived.

Parties never go completely smoothly. They just don’t. Hosting a party is all about lightning fast adjustments and forced judgment calls. Tears are nigh inevitable when children are involved. At least this time none of the guests were the ones crying. Poor Patch has a low tolerance for noisy chaos. This is something I need to keep in mind when planning birthdays for him in the future. But it all ended up well. Patch found a quiet space once we reached the cartoons and he told me that it was a really great party. I’m glad my little guy got the party he wanted. Everyone had a good time and I’m not in charge of any more birthdays until September. Time to go collapse for awhile.

Slow day, snow day

I do not like it when frozen water falls out of the sky on the day after a springish day. It is like the weather is taunting me. Except that I know it can’t possibly be personal. Perhaps today’s snow was meant to delight some child and only inconvenienced me in passing. Or perhaps it is simply to water the spring bulbs which have just begun to poke up in my flower beds. I can be glad for the wet on behalf of the flowers.

What I’ve had much more trouble doing was accomplishing anything concrete today. It was a day full of internet browsing, and book reading, and staring at nothing in particular while my brain wandered. I puttered around in little mental circles. I know such days are necessary. I need to have days where I am not running, where instead I am processing. I would feel more like I was accomplishing something if it were more organized, but it is not. My brain wanders through the same paths multiple times. The same thoughts dance across my brain. Occasionally the dances create connections and I have short moments of focus during which I write notes. That happened once today. Mostly today was a day of resting. A day when I had several hours which were completely child and business free. It would have been nice if the weather had invited me outdoors during those hours rather than encouraging me to stay hunkered down at home under blankets.

Managing Homework

Helping kids with homework is easy. I don’t mind answering questions or explaining concepts. Weathering the emotional drama of homework time is exhausting. Watching kids trying to avoid their homework is a fascinating psychological study. Most evenings we go through anger, depression, denial, anger, repression, displacement, avoidance, and anger. Did I mention the anger? I get to be the recipient of much of this anger, although sometimes the kids lash out at each other instead. Then I have to step in the middle and remind everyone that the real issue is not who was looking at whom, but the fact that there are two math assignments yet to be completed. Then both kids glower at me and get back to work for approximately two seconds before busting out in a new direction.

Homework time used to be after dinner. I liked to let the kids come home from school and play. I figured that they had been sitting still long enough and they deserved some time to relax. But this year after dinner homework time abruptly stopped working. Most of this is due to the fact that I now have four children bringing home work that I need to supervise. (In prior years I only had two because Kiki’s homework load was light enough that I did not have do pay any attention to it and Patch was not in school yet.) It turns out that I am incapable of helping four children simultaneously. Every time I tried to focus on one child, three kids were free to pick fights in my peripheral vision. The other problem that manifested in the after dinner homework hour was the lack of enticements to get the homework done. The kids knew that after homework came bedtime and the imminence of bedtime was not encouragement to work fast. This had not changed from prior years, but with my attention split four ways the dawdling increased dramatically.

I began to divide up the homework. I made Link get his hardest work done as soon as he got home. He protested this change vehemently, but gradually came to accept it. Kiki and I are still working on some kind of a pattern for her. The challenge there is that I’m trying to teach her to take charge of her own homework rather than waiting for me to declare what she must do. We’ve made progress, but it is a one-step-forward, two-steps-back, three-steps-sideways, one-step-forward kind of experience. Oh, and every misstep causes tears. When I manage to get Kiki and Link through with their work in the afternoon, then I only have two homework kids in the after dinner hour. Unfortunately I am also exhausted and not at all interested in fighting more homework battles. Specifically, I don’t want to fight with Gleek. Patch loves homework, except on the rare occasions when he hates it. But Gleek is often more interested in Patch’s homework than her own. She alternates between giving him the answers, which doesn’t help him learn, and declaring that the work he is struggling to do is easy. Then there is anger. And hitting.

In all of this I think the poor pencils have a harder time than I do. Pencils get broken in half, thrown across the room, chomped to bits, and erasers torn out. No wonder we have trouble finding a “good” pencil when the time comes for homework. One simply can not do homework with a “no good” pencil. Obviously. And so I put pencils on the grocery list yet again because we went through our stock from last fall’s back-to-school sales much faster than I anticipated.

I’ve tried separating it all out so that the kids do homework solo, but they all seem to require me standing nearby. And where the mother is, all the kids will naturally gravitate to be fed snacks. And so I’ve given up on having a system at all. Each day has its own set of variables and I try to fit the homework in around them. I look at the quantity of homework for each child. I look at the after school activities which are scheduled. I look at the evening activities. I assess the states of the children and figure out which ones will most harmoniously work on homework together for this day. The answer will be different tomorrow. On a good day, I do all this by instinct without even thinking about it consciously. On not so good days…homework doesn’t get done.

I feel guilty when the homework piles up. I feel like I should do better. But no one can be at their best all that time. And part of my brain stomps her feet and declares how unfair it is that I have to pay attention to this at all. It isn’t my work. They should just do it. But they don’t because they are kids. Half of the point of homework is learning how to handle regular unwanted tasks. And I must teach it to them. By example. Which means the foot-stompy part of my brain can stomp all she wants and I’ll help my kids with their homework anyway. Because it is the right thing to do.

I just wish it were not quite so exhausting.

Fiction, Blogging, and Going Forward

I came to writing through fiction. I read marvelous stories and wanted the power to shape the direction the story would go. I wanted to tell my own stories. So I began writing. The birth of my children diverted my creative energies for a time, but when I picked up writing again it was with the intent to write fiction. I sought out communities of fiction writers and made myself a comfortable little space there.

But my road to fiction has not been smooth. Time and again I found myself putting down writing to take care of things which were a higher priority for me. So I put away my stories, knowing they would wait. What I did not put away was my blog. Once I began it in 2004 it has been a constant. I kept it even during the year when I was deliberately “putting writing on hold.” In hindsight I find it fascinating to see how I did not count blogging as writing.

In my fiction writing communities, blogging is perceived as an interruption. It is discussed as valuable and necessary and often enjoyable, but ultimately a distraction from the production of fiction. I’ve read conversational threads where writers caution each other about how blogging first can use time and creativity which is not then available for fiction. This is a valid concern. Anything which leads astray from the goal is a distraction. I’ve also read discussions about practicing the craft of writing where words written in blogs were not considered real practice. I read that discussion during the year when I had put fiction away and it made me sad. I wanted my blog words to be helping me so that when I came back to fiction I would be better at it.

It was something of a revelation to me that my blogging could be an end and an art in itself. I think it was Howard who said it to me first. He told me that my real writing skill was showing in my blog entries, which he loved, not in my fiction, which he thought was kind of nice. I was not happy to hear it. I had a sinking feeling that I might be the antithesis of C.S. Lewis who wanted to be known for his non fiction, but who is most famous for the fanciful Narnia books. I wrestled with that. I pondered. It was hard for me to feel valid as a writer when most of what I was writing was tangential to what my writer friends were pursuing.

Over time my brain creaked open to accept the idea that what I write in my blog has real value. What I wrote was not a distraction for me, it was a goal. Or at least it could be. This was when I began to look at creative nonfiction and personal essays. I found authors whose words I loved. I absorbed and practiced emulating the elements of writing which I admired. I dreamed of my own book of essays. I began to believe that this nonfiction work was worthy. When other people echoed what Howard told me, I started to believe it, and thought perhaps it was a good thing.

The discovery of blogging as a valid writing pursuit in no way diminishes my love of fiction. I still have stories that are waiting for me to tell them. I can say things in fiction more powerfully than I can in my blog. But I can say things in my blog more powerfully than I can in fiction. It really depends upon which things I am trying to say. My inner acceptance of blogging multiplies my options. Unfortunately it does not multiply my time and energy. But in the next 30+ years of my life, I’ll surely make time for both.

This was my frame of mind when I attended the AML annual meeting. While there, I got to listen to presentations and participate in discussions with people who believe that the blog is an art form in itself. Through their eyes I was able to see the value of the daily nature of blogs; how each entry is anchored by the time when it was written; how blogs build context and meaning through successive entries. It is almost like writing as a performance art. Various performances may be repetitive, but each has its own nuance. This was a fascinating way to thing about blogging, to re-view my own writing. I made one step more in valuing my nonfiction writing. Now I can see how my blog has value for what it is, independent of whether or not I can pull essays from it for publication.

I always knew my blog was important to me. I always knew it was a way for me to share thoughts and for others to respond. I knew it had value. But I love having new words to explain why. I love having language to explain the beauty I see, not just in my own blog, but in the many blogs that I have the opportunity to read. Blogs are folk art. Anyone can create one and they are learned from people nearby. Blogs are shaped by the creator and are wildly divergent from each other in purpose and in presentation. The blogs which interest me most are the ones that are created for personal fulfillment, as folk art is. (Sorry, these last two paragraphs are the humanities major in me going squee over discovering this new form for human expression, one in which I have been participating for years without ever seeing it as a form.)

In the end all this self realization and analysis does not change much. I am like a bumble bee who has taken a course on physics and turbulence. There is a risk that too much knowledge will interfere with what I want to do. It is time to stop thinking about it and just flap my wings. Flapping will carry me a lot farther than analysis. I will continue writing as I began. I will work on the project which feels right to me at the time, regardless of whether I can form a coherent explanation as to why. This is how I arrived at a place which I love and which I did not know existed before I was standing in the middle of it.

A Kitchen Business Meeting

Howard and I were standing in the kitchen having one of our frequent meetings where we discuss tasks accomplished and tasks yet to do.

Me: So tomorrow and Wednesday are going to be focused on the bonus story rather than the buffer.

Howard: Yes.

Me: Okay.

Howard looks at me and I feel a need to justify my response.

Me: I’m just trying to figure out how to arrange my day to best support your efforts. (pause) Also I want to know what the shape of next week’s depression will be.

Howard, without even a pause for thought, says matter of factly: The depression will probably hit Thursday and it will be me stressing over the fact that I’ve lost a week of buffer and I haven’t even written scripts yet.

Me: Good to know.

One of the nice things about being married for this long and working together creatively for at least half of that time, we can now predict some of the inevitable emotional dips both his and mine. Then we plan around them. We can’t skip them but at least when it hits we be able to say “Ah yes, we knew this would happen.” Then we can just weather it knowing that the dip is not forever.

Patch’s birthday

Ask any small child and they will tell you that birthdays are Very Important. Patch has been anticipating his birthday since last September when Link had his birthday. Birthdays are surrounded by ritual and Patch has been waiting and waiting to be the center point of the rituals. Interestingly Patch has not planned out all the details of his birthday rituals. It is crucial that he have a birthday party, but when I ask him what he’d like for a party theme, he doesn’t know. There must be a cake, but he shrugs when I ask him what it should look like. Class treats are a must, but I had to corner him to get him to decide that cupcakes would be an acceptable choice. It is the evidence of worth, of love, that Patch desires. Oh, and also Bakugan. Had there not been Bakugan among the presents, life would have been sad. Heroscape was another present must-have.

The rituals began yesterday and will continue in pieces for most of the week. The ritual of cake, singing, and present opening for our family was a joint affair shared by Patch and Howard. Patch did the cake decorating, which meant that the frosting had a distinct crunch due to excessive number of sprinkles. Today Patch got all the recognition he could desire from school. He came home becrowned with paper and clutching a swirled lollipop courtesy of the PTA. Each birthday child gets one of these candied treasures and Patch has been awaiting his turn. Tomorrow I’ll take cupcakes in to his classroom. Friday will be the shiny party with friends. (Theme still to be determined.)

So far I think we’re doing well in executing the proper rituals. I don’t know if they provide any particular guarantee that Patch’s next year will be as good as his last, but I hope that will be true. I suspect he will continue to focus on the pieces of life that are important to him while letting the rest fall where it may. I could do a little more of that myself.

Happy Birthday Patch.