Month: October 2008

Today included:
A completed jigsaw puzzle
A clean and vacuumed family room
Four children playing politely and quietly
Three meals prepared at regular intervals
Several hours of quiet reading time
No major conflicts requiring intervention

Some days are just quietly pleasant.

My book of the day was To Kill a Mockingbird. This choice was courtesy of the local library’s participation in the National Endowment for the Arts’ Big Read program. They give away free copies of the book in an effort to encourage people to make reading part of their community interactions. The program has been running for several weeks and the free copies are only available while supplies last, so I expected our library to be out of copies. They had plenty. This makes me a little sad. Piles of books gathering dust because no one can be bothered to pick them up and read them even when they’re free. I brought my copy home and read it in two days. I read it when I was in high school, so I already knew the story. I’ve also seen the movie several times. Yet the book still caught my interest and I kept choosing to read it rather than other leisure activities I could have chosen. I’m glad to own a copy. Now I’m considering reading the other books on the Big Read list. I’ll bet they’re interesting too.

This morning I pondered the value of photography. I particularly pondered it in reference to Link. He has been spending hours per day immersed in video games. I believe that video games are an enjoyable and potentially valuable pastime, but anything taken to excess can be bad. I’ve started placing time limits on Link’s video game playing. This has left him at loose ends. I wanted to help him find something else he could enjoy. Then I remembered that he has enjoyed taking pictures and video. I realized that photography has the potential to be a very beneficial to Link. He has a marvelous eye for patterns, but sometimes struggles with fine motor coordination. He likes to participate by watching rather than being in the middle. I realized that if I hand him a camera, he suddenly has a way to participate in social events without feeling conspicuous and without having to do much conversing. No one expects the cameraman to be chatty and yet he’s obviously part of the event. Additionally, I have enough interest in photography myself that it can become an activity that I’ll do with him and we’ll both enjoy.

In Utah there is a yearly contest called Reflections. All the school kids are encouraged to create works of art on a given theme. The art can be drawing, photography, sculpture, dance, film, photography, anything artsy really. This year the theme is “Wow.” Today I spent some time with Link taking pictures of stuff that he thinks is cool. Howard and I bought a new camera a few weeks ago and it has really helped. We were able to capture pictures of individual drops of water as they fell from the faucet. Link got a very close-up shot of a fly that was smashed in the door frame. He also managed to catch the exact moment when Patch fell on his face while climbing the slide. After that Link took a fantastic close-up shot of me holding Patch. Link definitely has an eye for this. All the “wow” shots went into a particular folder on my computer. We’ll take a few more in the next couple of days, then I’ll print them in high resolution and let Link put together a collage.

In an effort to help us figure out how to take more cool pictures, I checked out some kids’ books on photography from the library. Hopefully they’ll give us some fun ideas to try. We’ll probably also spend some time playing with pictures in photoshop. I bet Link will like playing with filters.

The flier arrived at our house a couple of weeks ago. It was a double spread newspaper style advertisement completely covered with photos of kids in costumes. Gleek found the flier and carried it around for days. She and her friend incorporated the flier into some of their games. “Okay and then I transform into this one!” Gleek would declare pointing to the paper. I quickly realized that Gleek wanted to be have one of these costumes for Halloween. I also realized that I did not want to spend hours at a sewing machine trying to replicate a costume that I could go out and buy for $15. So today we made the trek to Halloween USA. Patch went with us.

Patch already knew what he wanted to be. He wanted to be Indiana Jones, just like Link. Link already had all the necessary props (hat, jacket, whip, gun.) Now we just had to find similar props for Patch. We headed to the children’s costumes section. There were no Indiana Jones options in kid sizes. I led Patch to the wall of boy costumes and suggested that perhaps he could pick something else. His eyes lit on a Star Wars Clone Soldier outfit. He decided that maybe being a Stormtrooper would be okay. He then selected a plastic gun to go with it. This was when I made my mistake. I referred to the outfit as “Clone Soldier.” Patch took a close look at the packaging. He realized that he had a Boba Fett gun and Clone Soldier clothing. This obviously would not do. It took much coaxing from me to convince him that it was allowable to mix and match. Fortunately we were saved from this crisis by the discovery of Indiana Jones gear in the adult costumes. Sure the jacket was too big, but Patch didn’t care. We abandoned Star Wars for Indiana Jones and all was well.

Gleek did not arrive at the store knowing what she wanted. She flitted through the entire children’s section pointing out the things she liked, delighted every time she recognized a costume that had been on the flier. “I might want that. I might want that. I want to be spooky. But maybe I want to be pretty.” She hovered with delight like a little butterfly sampling all the available flowers. At last she began to settle. She was drawn to the split angel/devil costumes. One half white angel, other half red devil. But then she thought that she would rather be more devilish. The decision was finally made when we cruised down the aisle full of wings. There was a beautiful pair of big white angel wings. Gleek fell in love. Now she just needed clothing to match her wings. Fortunately that was easily found.

On the way out we trekked through the “haunted house” which was really just a display of animatronic yard decorations. Sufficiently creepy for the 5-7 crowd. Gleek and Patch were fascinated. Then we took our prizes and went home. Hurray! The costumes are done!

In an online writer’s forum to which I belong, there was a discussion about debating politics and religion. The board had a policy of discouraging such discussions since they tend to create resentments. Some members lamented the lack of debate, others spoke up in support of the policy. I composed a post for the discussion, but then deleted it because by the time I crafted it, the discussion had taken a different direction. Besides, I wasn’t sure that my input added anything substantive.

During the course of the discussion, it became apparent that some of the forum members are enlivened and invigorated by active, even heated debates. For these people, debating is one of the ways they bond with others. If someone refuses to debate, it feels like a rejection. I’m stating this as best I can understand. I may have it wrong, because this is not how I feel about heated debate. I am only comfortable with debates if I am absolutely certain that the debate will not damage the relationships of the people in the debate. Generally this only applies with family members or friends who might as well be family. In all other situations, I will either act to calm the debate or change the subject. If neither is possible, I will quietly leave.

Conflict creates an anxiety state in me that is extremely unpleasant. It is like nails on a chalkboard or a sound that vibrates my teeth. I have to do something to end the discomfort. I usually take the “quietly leave” approach because the other paths are harder. Also because I understand that other people really enjoy debating, and who am I to destroy their fun just because it makes me uncomfortable. If the conflict is between my children, then I interfere, because that is my job. Even then, my natural tendency is to try to find the shortest path to Conflict End. I’ve had to train myself to not seek the shortest path if that path is either unfair or seriously undermines some other educational effort. The quickest way to stop a tantrum is to hand out candy, but that only sets me up for more tantrums in the future.

I’ve identified the roots of my conflict aversion. I learned it young. In college I had an almost-boyfriend who accused me of being passive and weak because I avoided conflicts. He was wrong. The amount of work I put into conflict avoidance is far from passive and I am not weak. There are times and places to go to battle for the things that I believe. I have battled before and I will battle again when necessary. I am just not willing to potentially damage relationships over a theoretical debate. This is particularly true on the internet. Text-only communication removes all the body language and vocal cues that let other people know that you still like them even if you vehemently disagree with their position. If you know the other person, then memory can provide those cues, but if not civility tends to vanish quickly.

Written words linger in ways that spoken words do not. The opinion I express on the internet today may hurt me or someone else months or even years from now. This is why I treat my opinions like knives. I keep them tucked carefully away until it is time for me to use them for something constructive. Even then the opinions have the ability to cut, just as knives can accidentally slice a finger. But injury is never my intent. I can also wield my opinions in self defense, but I prefer not to do so. Defensive people have stopped listening to others.

I’ve been accused of not having opinions, of ‘going with the crowd.’ I have many opinions about politics, abortion, religion, child rearing, cooking, gardening, household maintenance, and many other topics. Just because I don’t speak up in theoretical debate does not mean that I don’t have thoughts or that I agree with the speaker. It also does not mark me as narrow minded. I truly enjoy understanding how other people think and why they make choices that are different from mine. I just prefer to gain this information in an atmosphere of informational exchange and comparison rather than argument. These discussions have just as much potential to rock my world as debates do, but without the teeth vibrating anxiety of conflict.

I know that for some people, the way that I live is anathema. I do not believe that I am right or that they are wrong. We are just different. In fact I frequently ponder whether those who fearlessly debate are right. Perhaps I am just scared. Perhaps I should speak out more and accept the fact that some of my opinions will make others angry. But then I wonder why I should do something that causes anger when the same opinion in a different context would only cause interested attention. And then I think that if all the conflict adverse people like me never speak up, then the debate hungry people will never have a chance to understand why some people eschew debate. If people like me do not speak up, then debate seems like the only viable option for opinion/belief comparison.

And so I write this entry, choosing my words carefully, afraid because once a stone is cast into a pond I can not predict all of the ripples. This is me. I am naturally conflict adverse, a born conciliator. I can only be who I am and try to be a better me tomorrow.

I’m still sick, but I’m tired of it. I have enough energy to be vertical, but not enough to take on a project. So I end up being bored. After I’ve visited all my regular internet stops three times, I start poking around in my website statistics.

It turns out that my personal website sandra.tayler.com averages about 50 hits per month. This is the site where I host a few short stories and many blog entries turned essay. It also has a biography and a list of my current projects. It is essentially an online resume or business card. Most of the traffic that hits that website is directed there from this blog, but occasionally I get a big spike when Howard links to it. Since the site only has new content every month or so, I don’t expect it to have large amounts of regular traffic.

The Hold on to Your Horses site saw a huge spike of visitors when we launched it last June. Since then it gets about 190 visitors per month. The encouraging information is that more and more of these visitors are people who are either directly entering the URL or who are using search terms that make it obvious that this book was what they were looking for. I’m always particularly glad to see referring sites that aren’t either Howard or I. Interestingly, the TV appearance made almost no blip in website traffic, but the podcast interview was a top referrer for a couple of days. I suspect this is because the podcast was a much more in depth and relaxed discussion than the television interview. Another cool number is that the free PDF file of the Hold on to Your Horses book has been downloaded over 5000 times. So word is getting out. I just need to keep working to spread the word farther.

I don’t currently have a way of tracking the traffic on this blog. So I can’t make any solid guesses about readership here. Someday I’ll figure out how to track for informational purposes. I’m pretty sure that I accumulate readers faster than they wander away, but the growth is slow. This is fine with me. It means that the people who read, actually like what I write instead of just following a trend.

And now I need to walk away from my computer to go make dinner.

Still sick today. I got some work done, but there was napping. More napping than work. At least I’m lucky enough to have a great business partner. Howard kept telling me to stop working and go lie down.

Then in the afternoon Link and I had a conversation in which he told me he feels stupid. He feels like everyone else learns things in great big leaps and all he can do is take little steps. He feels like he is stupid in spelling and reading. He feels like the other kids do not like him because of all this. My heart aches for his judgment of himself, but I can’t deny his observations. It does not help that he is coming down with the same cold that knocked me, Howard, and Kiki flat. We have a 5 day weekend coming. I have to give some thought about what must be done after that. I have to be able to do something to help Link.

Been a long time since I’ve been knocked flat by a cold. Two days and counting now. Hope tomorrow is better. I’m headed back to bed.

I am not the energizer bunny. I can not just keep going and going and going without rest. Those two sentences need to be my new mantra that I chant to myself.

Yesterday I talked about being a jellyfish, but I was not actually jellyfishing. Oh, I had a few jellyfish moments, but the rest of the time I was either doing things or making sure they got done. I kept telling myself that relaxing would be so much more pleasant if I just got this one thing taken care of first. But there was always One More Thing, all day long. Then around bedtime, I looked at the schedule for the next week and realized that it was full of One More Things. The time to relax and jellyfish was like a retreating mirage at which I could never arrive.

That was when I broke. The energizer bunny’s motor just overheated and burned out. Pink was never my favorite color anyway. Howard picked up some pieces. The kids picked up some more. We all muddled through and went to bed.

Sometime in the middle of the night I realized, “Oh. I’m sick.” Sure enough, I’ve been attacked by a rhinovirus. It says something about how tired I am that I’m glad to be sick. Now I have a solid excuse to call people and ditch some responsibilities for a day. Howard and I got a substitute for our primary class. We kept Gleek home because she is also sniffly. The other three kids were sent off to church together. Now I’m headed to bed to sleep and convalesce. Looks like I get my jellyfish time after all.

There are things to do tomorrow, but like a proper jellyfish I can’t bring myself to care about them right now. This is so much better than yesterday when I was just as tired, but I couldn’t stop caring or planning ahead.

Jellyfish: verb To jellyfish is to drift around without direction, spending large portions of time doing nothing in particular.

Today is a jellyfishing day. I should do a write up about the shipping party. The volunteers were marvelous and exceeded my expectations yet again. There was no work at all left for Friday. The book release party also went very well. I should write about that. I was also watching two of my neighbor’s kids for two days. This made some things easier since my kids had in-house friends available. I should write about that experience. After all the book stuff, I realized that the state of my house was driving me crazy. Instead of coming home and collapsing, I came home and organized. The front room is still full of shipping stuff, but the remainder of the living areas look much nicer. The kids can actually find their toys. I should write in detail about that.

“Should” has remarkably little power over a jellyfish. My thoughts are all mushy. I can’t shape the words to carry my meanings. Maybe I’ll get to it next week. That is, once I’ve done the other hundreds things that I’ve lined up for next week. Jellyfish today. Jellyfish tomorrow. Monday, back to work.